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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30014523">Unmurder a Raven</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguelyfriendlyreptile/pseuds/vaguelyfriendlyreptile'>vaguelyfriendlyreptile</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, BAMF Uchiha Mikoto, Creepy Orochimaru (Naruto), Dai-nana-han | Team 7 Dynamics (Naruto), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hatake Kakashi is a Good Teacher, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lots of Childhood Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Trauma, Uchiha Itachi Being a Good Brother, Uchiha Sasuke Needs a Hug, all the ocs are minor characters, also lots of mikoto headcanon, he has a lot to apologize for, konoha politics are shitty, mikoto fixes everything au, or at least he’s learning how to be, or two or three, sasuke goes through so much in this fic, she has to figure out how to bring her family back together, the boy can’t catch a break but he sure can catch a breakdown</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:15:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30014523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaguelyfriendlyreptile/pseuds/vaguelyfriendlyreptile</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When he sat up, his eyes slowly adjusted to what was in front of him. A person. A fully formed, dark-haired person-- and Sasuke scrambled backwards into the bodies of Naruto and Sakura, terrified for a moment that it summoned Itachi alive, but why-- </p><p>And then the blurriness fully cleared.</p><p>And then he realized.</p><p>Wide black eyes met his own. A soft, confused face, one that he recognized all too well, one that had been ripped right out of his only good childhood memories.</p><p>In a strangled voice, he spoke the first word that came to mind: “Mom?”</p><p>———</p><p>In which Sasuke buys a scroll from a street vendor that promises to grant him the one thing he wants most. He uses it, thinking it will kill Itachi for him— but instead, it brings his mother back to life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dai-nana-han | Team 7 &amp; Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Itachi &amp; Uchiha Mikoto, Uchiha Itachi &amp; Uchiha Sasuke, Uchiha Mikoto &amp; Uchiha Sasuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Self-Sustained Loneliness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a fairly easy mission, in a small eccentric town alongside the Land of Fire’s seaside border.</p><p>They were there on a C-rank, a maintenance job where they were tasked with clearing out and rebuilding an old boat warehouse. It took four days, and while it was a lot of physical labor, it was hardly challenging, and their client was an old man who was very kind but very chatty-- so needless to say Sasuke was glad when they finally finished up. </p><p>On the morning they were scheduled to depart, Kakashi made some comment about feeling bad (he didn’t) that the three of them had worked so hard all week, and granted them an extra hour to explore before they would depart. Sasuke stifled a groan. But Naruto had bounced on his toes and taken off immediately, declaring he was going to search the seashore for crabs, and disappeared from earshot before Sasuke could argue against it. </p><p>“Go have fun, kids,” Kakashi said, waving them off, his face buried in his book. </p><p>Sakura grumbled under her breath as she watched Naruto scramble into the distance. “I hope the sea carries him away.”</p><p>“I’m not saving him this time,” Sasuke muttered. </p><p>“Be nice,” said Kakashi, unhelpfully. </p><p>Sasuke exhaled, turning to stalk off with his hands in his pockets. He really had no interest in being there for any longer than he had to. Sakura pattered after him, her pink hair bouncing around her shoulders as she looked at the scenery surrounding them. “What do you wanna do, Sasuke?” she asked, and the implication that he wanted to do something <em> with her </em>made him irritable. </p><p>“What I <em> want </em>to do is go home, but apparently that’s not an option right now.” </p><p>Sakura giggled, even though it wasn’t funny. “Well, it’s just an hour.” Her voice picked up a cheery tone. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Let’s just hang out without having to worry about anything for a while.” </p><p>Sasuke wondered what it was like to have nothing to worry about. It certainly wasn’t in his near future. But seeing no point in arguing, he made a small hum of acceptance and allowed her to lead him back towards the center of town. </p><p>“Did you see the market stands when we first got here?” she asked, a light skip in her step. “They had all kinds of weird stuff out. I think I saw someone selling enchanted beads. I doubt they’re real, but I kind of want to take a look at them anyway. Want to come with me?” </p><p>Sasuke kicked at a rock on the ground. “No, not really.” Then when her expression turned crestfallen, he added, “...but I have nothing else to do, so...” </p><p>Immediately brightening, she took hold of his wrist and practically pulled him along. “It’s not far. You’ll like it, I promise!” </p><p>She was right about it not being far. She was not right, however, about him liking it. </p><p>He could care less about what the street vendors had to offer. While she excitedly pointed out the stand with the beads, run by a middle-aged woman who appeared to be wearing an actual bird’s nest on her head, he glanced around just to see if any of the stands had something interesting. Swords, for example-- that was one thing he wouldn’t really mind shopping for. But upon his sullen observation, none of the vendors seemed to carry any sort of ninja tools whatsoever. </p><p>Then something else caught Sasuke’s eye.</p><p>At the very end of the lineup, there appeared to be a woman sitting down on a mat. She wasn’t at a stand like the others, and people seemed to be walking past her like she was filth on the street. At first, Sasuke thought she might be a beggar, but upon closer inspection there were wares arranged on the mat in front of her. She was a vendor too-- maybe a poorer one, but a vendor nonetheless.</p><p>“Sakura,” he said, pinching her sleeve to get her attention, “I’m going to go over there for a minute. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>“Okay,” she responded, half-distracted by her search through the beads. “Let me know if you find anything cool.” </p><p>Sasuke made his way over to the woman on the mat. As he came closer, he realized the items she was selling were all scrolls. </p><p>They looked lackluster, to be honest. However, she was the most interestingly dressed person he’d seen all day— her robes had an insignia on them, a small one embroidered on the front and on the cuffs of her sleeves. It looked like a clan symbol. Her gray hair was cropped short on the sides but long in the center, where it was pulled back at the base of her neck with a clip. And her hands and ankles were wrapped-- which suggested she might have been a shinobi, whether currently or in the past. Given her state, Sasuke leaned towards the latter.</p><p>Sasuke was uninterested in the scrolls she was selling, but out of a fleeting sense of obligation he reached into his coin pouch and pulled out a couple hundred yen to give to her. </p><p>She perked up in sudden interest when he approached. “Oh! Which scroll would you like, dear?” </p><p>Sasuke handed her the coins. “I don’t need one,” he said. “Just take it.” </p><p>“No, no, no!” The woman shook her head, her beaded earrings clanking with the motion. “You get a scroll for your money, dear. Which one would you like?” </p><p>Sighing, Sasuke resigned himself to the situation. He crouched down to get a better look at his options. They all looked different-- no two scrolls had the same seal or paper tone. “What kind of scrolls are they?” </p><p>“They’re all jutsu scrolls I collected on my adventures.” The woman said this with a glow of pride in her voice. </p><p>“Jutsu scrolls, huh?” Sasuke made no effort to cover up the lack of belief in his voice. He picked one up and weighed it in his hands, then began to undo the string around it to take a look inside.</p><p>“No!” The woman darted her hand out suddenly to stop him. "No opening until you purchase.” </p><p>That firmly convinced him this was a scam, but Sasuke was planning to give the woman money anyway, so it hardly mattered. He glanced over the scrolls. There were eleven in total, all of different sizes and edging colors. It was hard to guess what any one of them might do, and highly unlikely that they would turn out to be anything special. </p><p>One of them, a medium-sized scroll with a uniquely complex orange seal, caught his eye. The paper was thin and cheap-looking and the wax used to make the seal was hardly extravagant, but the design intrigued him: it was like some kind of abstractly rendered serpent. “Okay. I’ll take this one.” </p><p>“Wonderful!” The woman clapped her hands together. “Enjoy it, dear. And be safe--don’t use it recklessly.” </p><p>The advice felt ironic coming from a woman selling completely unidentified scrolls to random children. Still, he nodded and offered a tight smile in response. “Thanks.” </p><p>“Have a lovely day!” </p><p>Sasuke made a <em> tch </em>sound under his breath as he walked away. He briefly considered tossing the scroll in the trash can by one of the other stands, but had enough decency to decide that would be rude. Instead, as he walked back over to Sakura, he more closely examined the seal design. It was about the size of a 100 yen coin and seemed to have been carefully pressed, though the faint imperfections in it suggested the stamp hadn’t been professionally carved. </p><p>When he arrived at Sakura’s side, she eagerly thrust a small paper bag in front of his face. “Check it out!” she chirped, and the bag clacked as she shook it. “I got a dozen of them. They’re a little ugly, but I guess it-- woah, wait, what’s that?” She lowered the bag, her focus completely distracted to the scroll in Sasuke’s hands.</p><p>“The woman over there made me buy a scroll from her.”</p><p>“Oooh. What kind of scroll?” </p><p>“She didn’t tell me.”</p><p>“Well, aren’t you going to open it?” She positioned herself right beside him so she could hover over his shoulder. </p><p>“It’s probably fake.”</p><p>“I still want to see.”</p><p>Sasuke sighed, only halfway annoyed. There was a genuine node of curiosity biting away at his brain, so he extended a finger and carefully peeled the wax seal back with his nail. </p><p>He unrolled it. Sakura leaned in.</p><p>The boldest thing the scroll displayed was a large, highly intricate jutsu seal that took up almost all of the page. </p><p>“Woah,” Sakura said, reaching forward to pull on the paper so she could get a better look. “It’s so complex.” </p><p>She was right. The seal looked far too detailed to be fake-- Sasuke didn’t know much about jutsu seals beyond the basics, but he’d never seen a diagram that looked quite like this one. </p><p>On the side, there was a string of kanji in incredibly fine print. He brought the scroll up close to his face to read it. </p><p>“‘The caster of this jutsu will receive the single greatest desire of their heart,’” he narrated. </p><p>Sakura failed to stifle a giggle. “That’s so cute! Well, if you don’t want to use it, I will.” </p><p>Sasuke hummed in response, the closest he would get to a laugh. He re-rolled the scroll closed and pressed the wax seal down. Then he handed it to Sakura and asked her to put it in his backpack. She kindly complied. </p><p>“I know it’s probably fake, but you should ask Kakashi-Sensei about that jutsu seal,” she said as she clipped his backpack shut. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>For the rest of the hour, Sasuke was stuck inside his mind.</p><p>He thought and thought and thought. The seal was probably fake. He wasn’t dumb enough to truly believe it could work. ‘<em> The greatest desire of their heart’. </em> It was a sad advertising ploy, clearly targeted at gullible, brainless young shinobi who were easily enticed by pretty words. Sasuke was <em> not </em> one of those people. He was <em> not, </em>no matter how much the phrase admittedly made his blood rush. </p><p>The greatest desire of his heart. He knew what it was beyond the shadow of a doubt. It made his fingers tremble to think about it, clutching into tighter fists at his sides, the pricking sensation of his nails digging into his palm the only outlet for the torrent of rage buzzing through him.</p><p>The image he pictured was his brother’s dead body at his feet.</p><p>It was a familiar thought. Something he had both daydreams and nightmares about. The one thing that would finally allow him to sleep at night, allow him to calm down, allow this weight of rage and responsibility to lift from his shoulders after the five years he’d been carrying it. </p><p>Deep breaths. He steadied himself. </p><p>The scroll was fake. Or if not fake, it was a trick, or at the very least falsely advertised. There was no jutsu that could bring him what he wanted. Nothing could give him that except his own hard work and dedication. He reminded himself of that over and over, willing his mind to stop thinking about it.</p><p>Eventually, their hour drew to a close, and Sasuke and Sakura met up with Kakashi in the plaza.</p><p>“Did you two have fun?” Kakashi said, standing up from the bench he had been sitting on. </p><p>“Yep!” Sakura chirped. She showed Kakashi her paper bag of beads. “Sasuke and I went to the marketplace. I bought these and he bought a cool-looking jutsu scroll.”</p><p>“Oh?” said Kakashi, raising his visible eyebrow. “A jutsu scroll, huh? I didn’t think there were any shinobi in this town.” </p><p>“There aren’t,” Sasuke said, an irritable pinch in his voice. For some reason, Sakura telling Kakashi about the scroll annoyed him. “Not active ones, anyway.” </p><p>Just then, a piercing yell split through the air, interrupting the conversation. </p><p>Naruto barreled to a halt once he reached them, shaking his hand wildly. It took Sasuke a moment to realize there was a crab stuck on his finger, pinching through the skin. </p><p>“Bastard!” he cried out, his voice cracking shrill. “Get off me!” </p><p>“Hey--” Kakashi began.</p><p>“Naruto!” Sakura interjected, stamping in front of him and snatching his wrist. She pried the crab off his finger and he howled in pain. Clutching the very upset crab in one hand, she grabbed hold of Naruto’s ear and yanked on it with the other. “Stupid! You’re such an idiot!”</p><p>Sasuke sighed for a long time. He caught Kakashi’s eye and the two exchanged a look-- which almost inspired a notion of amusement in him. <em> Almost.  </em></p><p>As his two teammates calmed down, he glanced at the road stretching out before them, eager to get going. It was a five-hour walk back to Konoha, and Sasuke looked forward to shutting himself away in his room again as soon as possible. </p><p>Kakashi seemed to notice this and finally closed his book, shoving it into his backpack. “All right, team. Let’s head out.” He said this in the same deadpan voice he typically used with them. </p><p>Kakashi was an unsurprisingly difficult man to read, and that went beyond the fact that three quarters of his face were covered. Sasuke could tell there was far more to him than what he showed his students, but it didn’t seem like he was a shell easily cracked, and frankly Sasuke had more important things to think about so he didn’t pay it much mind. Kakashi was an acceptable sensei and he was friendly when he needed to be. Sasuke didn’t like to complain. </p><p>He had to squash the voice in the back of his head that said <em> Father doesn’t like it when you complain, </em>because even after five years, he still had the nagging desire to be good enough for his parents. </p><p>“So, Sasuke,” Kakashi said, pulling him out of his thought spiral. “Let’s see that scroll.” </p><p>“What scroll?” Naruto exclaimed, attention immediately drawn over to the conversation. </p><p>Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes, but opened his backpack and pulled out the scroll anyway. He handed it to Kakashi, who opened it as he walked. Naruto bounced up to look at it over Kakashi’s arm. </p><p>“We were wondering about that jutsu seal,” Sakura spoke up, “whether it’s real or not.” </p><p>Kakashi made a thoughtful noise as he looked at the diagram. “It seems to be a summoning symbol,” he said. “Where did you get this?” </p><p>“An old woman made me buy it off her. She had eleven of them, I chose that one randomly.”</p><p>Kakashi shook his head in mock disappointment. “Honestly Sasuke, I thought you’d be the last one of my students to submit to sales pressure.”</p><p>Sasuke’s cheeks prickled as Sakura and Naruto shared a laugh. “I wasn’t pressured. I was going to give her money anyway, and she insisted I take one in return.” </p><p>“You were going to give her money? An act of kindness, from <em> you</em>?” </p><p>“Wow Sasuke, I didn’t realize you had a heart,” Naruto chirped, which prompted another giggle from Sakura, and a huff of amusement from Kakashi.</p><p>“Whatever.” Sasuke actually felt himself blushing. “It’s not a big deal.” </p><p>Kakashi didn’t respond to that, going back to glancing over the scroll. “The caster’s greatest desire, huh? Interesting.” He said this like he knew exactly what Sasuke was thinking about. “It definitely seems to be a real summoning seal. I doubt it’ll do what it says it will, though. Probably safest just to leave it alone.” He closed the scroll, handing it back to Sasuke. “You don’t strike me as the type to keep random useless trinkets, so I trust you’ll deal with it responsibly.” </p><p>Sasuke tucked the scroll back into his backpack, answering Kakashi with a careless hum. Kakashi quirked his eyebrow at him, as if scanning his face for a further reaction, but received nothing of the sort. </p><p>They did not discuss the topic any further, and Sasuke was grateful for it. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They reached the village gates just before sunset, when the blue sky became tinged with a subtle deepness and the sun cast long shadows behind them as they walked.</p><p>Once they delivered the mission report, Kakashi dismissed them, and Sasuke wasted no time in leaping back to his apartment and finding his way to the shower. </p><p>He allowed the mission’s tension to melt off his shoulders under the hot water. The whole time, he stared at the wall, and his thoughts traveled back to the scroll. </p><p>
  <em> The greatest desire of your heart.  </em>
</p><p>He had to close his eyes. He forced himself to breathe deeply again. Shove down thoughts of blood on his hands, Itachi’s body broken and lifeless in front of him, repaying all the pain and horror <em> he </em> caused their family, taking back what he took from them-- </p><p>His hands were shaking again. </p><p>He closed them into fists, resting his forehead against the wall. </p><p>There, he just let the warm water beat down on him, willing it to wash away his thoughts. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When he sat down on his bed in fresh clothes, he was still shaking. </p><p>He held the scroll, staring down at the complex ink diagram and the statement on the side. He unrolled it further and found there was a short list of instructions along with it.</p><p>It would be <em> so easy.  </em></p><p>Sure, it was probably fake. Or a trick. It could be any of numerous possibilities besides what it said it was. But Sasuke <em> could not stop thinking about it.  </em></p><p>His greatest desire. Itachi’s dead body at his feet. If it would be that, excellent-- his brother didn’t deserve a glorious death anyway. That, or it could make him strong enough to kill Itachi, and then he wouldn’t have to waste any more time before going out to end him. One or the other. Either way, he’d end up standing over his brother’s corpse and he would finally be able to let go. </p><p>That possibility was resting in his shaking hands. </p><p>Where was the harm in trying?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>A half hour later, Sasuke was perched at an apartment window. </p><p>He knocked, and then a very surprised Naruto flung open the glass pane and pointed accusingly at him. “What are YOU doing here? Spying on me, bastard?!” </p><p>Sasuke simply leaned in, glancing judgmentally around his friend’s messy room. “You wish you were that important,” he said. Then he offered Naruto his hand. “Come with me.” </p><p>Naruto’s face instantly changed, from suspicious irritation to genuine curiosity. He took Sasuke’s hand. “Where are we going?”</p><p>“Remember that jutsu scroll I got today?” </p><p>Naruto nodded-- then his eyes widened and a smile split across his face. “We’re gonna test it?! Even though Kakashi-Sensei told you not to?” </p><p>“Quiet down, idiot!” Sasuke hissed. “Do you want the whole village to know?” </p><p>Naruto stopped talking, but bounced on his toes and stifled an excited giggle. He allowed Sasuke to pull him out of the window and together they jumped down to the lower rooftop. </p><p>“We’re getting Sakura too,” Sasuke informed him.</p><p>Naruto pumped his fists. “All right!” </p><p>With that, they began to leap and run their way to her house, which was located in a residential sub-section of the village rather than towards the middle like Naruto’s apartment building was. </p><p>Sasuke had given it some thought and decided that in case the scroll <em> did </em>turn out to be a trick, it would be best to have backup to help him contain the issue. He figured the worst case scenario would be that the scroll summoned enemy ninja or a similar threat-- in which case it was likely he’d need help to take care of it without anyone finding out. So he picked the two people he currently trusted most.</p><p>When they arrived at her bedroom window, Naruto hesitated and fell back, murmuring something about not wanting to seem creepy. Sasuke just shrugged and knocked on the window himself-- causing Sakura to jolt from where she was lying on her bed, her head whipping around to face the source of the noise. When she saw Sasuke, the fear melted off her face and was replaced by confusion as she walked to the window and opened it up for him. “What is it?” she asked, and Sasuke extended his hand to her. She blinked down at it, momentarily stunned. </p><p>“Come with us,” he said, “we’re going to test the scroll I bought today.”</p><p>Sakura was used to playing the role of a respectful and responsible kunoichi, but Sasuke knew she had an affinity for mischief deep down. She couldn’t hide her excited smile as she took his hand and climbed out of her bedroom window. “Well, all right, but it has to be fast. I don’t want my parents to know I’m sneaking out.” </p><p>Naruto giggled again as they leapt away, waving his hands in front of his face. “This is gonna be so great. We’ll get to see Sasuke’s deepest desire!”</p><p>Sakura laughed lightly too. “I wonder what it is?”</p><p>Sasuke felt instinctive embarrassment creep into his cheeks as his friends made fun of him, but shut it down immediately by reminding himself of the real nature of the situation. “This isn’t a game,” he said. “If this thing actually summons my greatest desire, you two aren’t going to like it.” </p><p>That silenced the both of them. A tense awkwardness took hold of the air as they seemed to realize what Sasuke meant-- if only vaguely, as he hadn’t ever talked about his past with them in detail. They knew enough to draw a correct conclusion. Even Naruto knew better than to make jokes after that.</p><p>Instead, Sakura tentatively asked, “Where are we going, Sasuke?”</p><p>“Somewhere we won’t be found. And where we can contain it if the scroll turns out to be malicious.” </p><p>He led them to the forest on the outskirts of the abandoned Uchiha compound.</p><p>Sasuke hadn't been there in several years. He made a point to take a route around the compound rather than through it, as he didn’t want to be forced to lay eyes on his childhood home. In fact, he’d rather not set foot in the area at all, but the Uchiha’s forest grounds were undeniably the best possible place for something like this. No one lived around there anymore-- no one ever came near it except for the night watch guards. </p><p>Plus, it would be a fitting place for Itachi to be cut down. He could bleed into the same ground he slaughtered his family on. </p><p>He wondered briefly if his clansmen would be grateful. </p><p>His parents.</p><p>Sasuke shook his head. He couldn’t afford to dwell on that now. All that mattered was focusing on this self-imposed mission, staying alert just in case something went wrong. Afterwards he could think about the technicalities of it. </p><p>As the trio descended into the trees, the person following them did the same.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Kakashi landed silently on a tree branch and watched as his three students bickered about where to best launch their jutsu seal trial. </p><p>A small smile played on his lips underneath the mask. He rested his chin on his hand, looking forward to seeing how this might play out. Technically, he was here to make an assessment of their teamwork ability and problem solving skills-- but Kakashi was mainly in it for the fun of witnessing his kids make a stupid decision. </p><p>Even still, if anything bad happened, he had a decent amount of faith that they would figure it out together. In the marginal chance that they couldn’t, he would intervene. Everything would be fine. </p><p>The three of them calmed down and Sasuke began to read the instructions on the scroll out loud. Kakashi had gone over an introduction to summoning seals with them before, so they had a basic idea of what to do. The orange light of the sunset bled through the trees and cast dappled shadows over them. It was a pretty picture, honestly. Kakashi felt a small bud of affection for the three of them. The way Sasuke and Naruto argued and Sakura acted as the voice of reason-- it was like taking a look into his own past. </p><p>Eventually, they all quieted down and Sasuke crouched to the ground, laying the scroll out in front of him. Sakura and Naruto gathered close behind. He formed a series of hand signs, raised his finger to his mouth-- biting it-- then smeared the blood over the symbol. </p><p>In an instant, there was a bright blue flash, Sasuke was blown backwards, and a person appeared in the scroll’s place.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Sasuke woke up to hands clutching hard into his arms. He blinked, then blinked some more, his head and body aching with painful exhaustion. </p><p>“Sasuke.” He heard Sakura’s voice above him, a breathless whisper.</p><p>With a jolt, he fully remembered where he was and what happened.</p><p>The scroll. He’d used it. </p><p>He must have been knocked unconscious. How could it have-- </p><p>When he sat up, his eyes slowly adjusted to what was in front of him. A person. A fully formed, dark-haired person, <em> very much not dead, </em> sitting on their knees on top of the scroll-- and Sasuke scrambled backwards into the bodies of Naruto and Sakura, terrified for a moment that it summoned Itachi <em> alive, </em> but <em> why--  </em></p><p>And then the blurriness fully cleared.</p><p>And then he realized.</p><p>Wide black eyes met his own. A soft, confused face, one that he recognized all too well, one that had been ripped right out of his only good childhood memories.</p><p>In a strangled voice, he spoke the first word that came to mind: “Mom?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Reconcile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Time/scene skips are indicated with a horizontal line, while changes in POV are indicated with three asterisks. Sometimes there will be POV changes without a time or scene skip. That won't happen very often but I'm making the distinction now just so it's clear. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Uchiha Mikoto recognized where she was immediately. </p><p>She’d grown up in these woods. She practically knew every single tree. </p><p>What she didn’t know was <em> why </em> she was there, and why there were three kids sitting in front of her-- and why one of them, the closest, was <em> unmistakably </em>her youngest son, who was older than he should be, and was looking at her with a two-tomoe sharingan and tears in his eyes.</p><p>“Mom?” The word, spoken a second time, was less of a word and more of a noise. He came toward her-- and Mikoto looked at him, searching, blinking out of her disorientation.</p><p>“Sasuke?” she said, more confused than anything else. </p><p>Before either of them could do anything, another person jumped down from the trees, racing to block Sasuke with an extended arm. This person placed himself protectively in front of the three children, and she looked up in surprise-- only to realize that she recognized him. </p><p>
  <em> Hatake Kakashi.  </em>
</p><p>He was in ANBU with Itachi.</p><p>
  <em> Itachi-- </em>
</p><p>Her memories flooded back with the phantom pain of a sword in her chest.</p><p>“Uchiha Mikoto...?” said Kakashi, in a clearly controlled voice. For as skilled a shinobi as she knew he was, he couldn’t hide the shock in his eyes, his borrowed sharingan exposed and whirling with analysis. </p><p>To be fair, it wasn’t like she was shielding her own shock, either.</p><p>She glanced from his face to the forest around them, to his flak jacket, to <em> Sasuke-- </em>still crouched behind Kakashi with the most heart-wrenching expression she’d ever seen on his face. </p><p>Once she made eye contact with him again, he half-stood up, ran around Kakashi’s legs and stumbled to the ground in front of her. His eyes were glued to her face, as though he really couldn’t believe she was in front of him, and she reached out and touched his cheek. “Sasuke, what--” </p><p>His face crumbled, he choked on a sob, and she abandoned her question and pulled him into her arms instead. </p><p>Sasuke’s arms looped around her and he clung onto her like hanging on to life, trembling and breathing so fast and hard she worried he might be hyperventilating. Tears soaked into her shirt as he sobbed and it was all she could do to hold him-- it was the only thing in her world that made sense. </p><p>Mikoto wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, but it was beginning to sink in that she was in the future.</p><p>Kakashi Hatake stood before her, wearing a flak jacket instead of an ANBU Black Ops vest. His shoulders were broader, and he might have been taller too, but she couldn’t accurately tell from where she was crouched on the ground. And the other two children behind him, staring in equal parts bewilderment and shock-- she didn’t recognize the pink-haired girl, but the boy, she realized, was Kushina’s son. Naruto Uzumaki, jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, who was a seven year-old like her son the last time she saw him. While Sasuke looked and felt about the age that his older brother should be. And he was sobbing in her arms.</p><p>Kakashi, suddenly spurred into action, reached down to pick up the discarded scroll near her feet. “Shit,” he finally managed. “It worked.”</p><p>“Kakashi?” Mikoto said, and realized her words were scratchy and formless. Like her voice box wasn’t used to working. “What happened?”</p><p>“I--” He faltered for just a moment, glancing from the scroll to her. “You’re-- <em> alive. </em> I don’t understand how-- <em> you’re alive. </em> It brought you <em> back. </em>” </p><p>Mikoto lifted Sasuke from her chest, holding him out in front of her, cupping his face. “Sasuke, honey, can you tell me what happened?” She wiped his tears away with her thumbs. He blinked, breathing deeply, looking up at her with glassy eyes-- but started shaking his head, leaning down when another sob tore from his throat. “Oh, baby,” she said, pulling him back to her. She ran her hand over his back.  </p><p>This was definitely her son. This was her Sasuke. She was just years in the future. </p><p>Turning back to Kakashi, she asked, “How long has it been? Five years?”</p><p>He nodded. “Five years since--” At that, he glanced away, sparing a moment to look back at the scroll in order to cover up his sudden avoidance of the topic. He seemed to have regained enough composure to explain the situation, at least. “Sasuke found this scroll at a street store today. I thought it would be a dupe, so we didn’t take it seriously. The instructions say it summons the caster’s deepest desire.” He showed her the scroll and the now-obsolete summoning symbol on it, stained with a streak of blood-- Sasuke’s blood. “He used it, and somehow...” </p><p>He didn’t have to finish. Understanding registered in her brain and she nodded slowly. “It summoned me.” She pressed Sasuke closer, her hand on the back of his head. <em> The caster’s deepest desire.  </em></p><p>“Wait, you’re.... Sasuke’s <em> mom?”  </em></p><p>Mikoto looked up to find Naruto staring at her with wonder in his eyes. The girl beside him had a hand over her mouth, equal parts shock and worry reading on her features. </p><p>“Yes,” was all Mikoto said, swallowing thickly. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Once Sasuke had calmed down enough to be separated from her, they dealt with the first task at hand: deciding what to do now that she was here. Protocol would require an immediate report to the Hokage-- but Kakashi explained that he would find it rational to consider it an '<em>unforeseen circumstance of the mission'  </em>and thus postpone filing a report about it. A shaky loophole to exploit but one that Kakashi had used before and considered necessary for this instance. </p><p>Kakashi and Mikoto were both exceptionally intelligent shinobi, but they were both left baffled at <em> how </em>exactly the scroll managed to do this. Kakashi told her that it was a problem to tackle at a later date, though, because what the two of them needed right now was time. </p><p>At the end of it, Kakashi dismissed Naruto and Sakura back to their homes and gave Sasuke and Mikoto an escort back to Sasuke’s apartment, just to ensure no one noticed her. Once they were inside, he granted Sasuke a day off from training. No obligations tomorrow, from sunrise to sunset-- due to the extenuating circumstances. </p><p>He left them alone with that.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Sasuke spent the first night wound up in his mother’s arms.</p><p>He made himself so small beside her, a lump in the blankets. He had to be close, clinging on to the sleeve of her shirt, because he was terrified that he would open his eyes and she would be gone. </p><p>She was there for him, wholly and completely. She held him for hours and stroked his hair and rubbed his back and it was <em> so much so soon </em> and he felt locked in a haze, confused and frightened and so so vulnerable it made something snap within him. He was shaking uncontrollably the whole night, even after he stopped crying, holding onto her. Only when she spoke to him did the flashes of her dead body stop haunting his mind. He had to feel that she was alive and <em> there. </em>She held him to her chest, his ear pressed right up to her sternum, where he could hear the steady thump of her heart. That was the one thing that calmed him most of all. It was grounding, soothing, dug up feelings he hadn’t had since he was a small child. Memories he’d tucked away under heavy slabs of pain, resurfacing as he took in the familiar smell of her hair and the warmth of her body, the tenderness of her voice. </p><p>She pushed his bangs back, kissed his forehead. He sunk under her chin, finding the crook of her neck, curling his fingers in a lock of her long hair. There wasn’t room in his mind to feel ashamed yet. He just needed his mother. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When Sasuke’s breathing slowed and he dropped off to sleep, Mikoto let down a barrier she had been struggling to keep up. </p><p>The weight of grief for her entire clan crashed upon her with full force, and after a few minutes of reconciling the shock, she began to cry.</p><p>Tears coursed down her cheeks as she continued to stroke Sasuke’s hair, ever so softly. Her husband was dead, her nieces and nephews were dead, her younger sister-- they were all dead. And her two sons, one of them hollowed out with trauma and asleep in her arms, the other-- the one who <em> killed </em>them-- she had no idea. She didn’t even know if he was still alive. </p><p>Her shoulders shook with the heaviness of it all. For Sasuke,it had been five years of this emptiness-- but for her, it was just yesterday.</p><p>She had been dead for this long, but it felt like she had merely been asleep.</p><p>The grief alone would be enough to root her into the ground forever had it not been for the bundle in her arms. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>When Mikoto awoke, Sasuke was no longer beside her. </p><p>She sat up, looking around-- pinpointing his chakra elsewhere in the house-- and detected the familiar smell of eggs. The clanking of kitchen utensils emanated from a few rooms over. </p><p>Sasuke was making breakfast. When she walked into the kitchen, he was standing in his genin outfit, spatula in hand. His back faced her and she stared at the Uchiha crest on his shirt, her throat catching painfully with the reminder that he was the only person in the village who wore it. </p><p>When he turned around to look at her, his sharingan activated automatically. </p><p>She blinked, unable to help the pull of emotion in her eyes. “Your sharingan…” </p><p>His face contorted into a strangely apologetic expression. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know it’s disrespectful. I-I don’t mean to do it.” </p><p>In the Uchiha clan, it was a basic rule of courtesy that children don’t address their parents with an activated sharingan. To do so was considered a threat, an act of defiance. </p><p>But Sasuke truly couldn’t help it. It wasn’t abnormal, especially for younger children, to have difficulty controlling the sharingan’s instinctive response to strong emotion. With Sasuke growing up alone-- which sent another jolt of sorrow through her heart-- he never had anyone to teach him the ins and outs of his eyes. It was no fault of his own that he didn’t have perfect mastery over them. </p><p>Mikoto softened her face at once. “Sweetheart, it’s okay,” she murmured. “You don’t have to apologize.”</p><p>Sasuke was still for a few moments, then nodded slowly. He couldn’t tear his eyes off her. It was like he was afraid she might vanish if he wasn’t looking.</p><p>She could tell-- in his stiffness, his awkwardness, his inability to speak-- that this vulnerability was not normal for him. She could feel the trauma in his bones, in his eyes, the <em> difference </em>in them, like a veteran shinobi’s stare thinly veiled over a shattered, broken-hearted child that never grew up. </p><p>It hurt her heart that she missed so much of his life.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Later that morning, Kakashi showed up at their doorstep with a bag of folded clothes.</p><p>He explained that he managed to get into the storage facility for all of the Uchiha’s belongings. They had been very dusty when he found them, but he washed them and dried them overnight so they would be ready for her. </p><p>“Thank you, Kakashi,” Mikoto said when he placed them into her hands, bowing her head in gratitude. </p><p>It was good to have fresh clothes. In the bathroom, before changing into them, she examined her body in the mirror.</p><p>Her flesh, every curve of muscle underneath it, every scar— it was all the same. She pinched herself. She still felt pain. Her hair, too, even smelt like the shampoo she always used. Running her fingers through it, she wondered if she’d be able to get the same brand. </p><p>Still looking in the mirror, she activated her sharingan. Three whirling tomoe. Then she concentrated her chakra— and bled it into the mangekyou. </p><p>It seemed normal for all of one second. </p><p>A five-pointed star-like pattern— except that was wrong, because it wasn’t five-pointed anymore. She leaned closer into the mirror, ignoring every single flaw in the glass her dojutsu picked up. </p><p>There was no mistaking it. Her mangekyou sharingan was now a six-pointed star instead.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The two of them spent the day in each other’s company, and there was so much to say that they both went silent. </p><p>Mikoto didn’t know where to begin. She was unfamiliar with Sasuke’s life, who he was now, everything that had happened since her death. They were trending on tender ground, so for now she just let her presence speak for her. </p><p>Sasuke was adjusting to the situation. He didn’t care what they did, he just wanted to be near her. He showed her around his apartment, gave her small pieces of context for things that he had.  At one point he did ask a question, as they were standing in his bedroom and he looked down at his team’s portrait photo: “You knew Kakashi before, right?” </p><p>Mikoto nodded. “Not closely. But yes, I knew him.”</p><p>“He’s my sensei now.” Sasuke picked up the photo and handed it to her. “These are my teammates.”</p><p>It was intensely obvious that this was the only photograph Sasuke kept in his apartment. </p><p>Back in the Uchiha compound, their home had been full of them-- on the walls, the mantle, the side tables. </p><p>Sasuke didn’t have a single thing that would remind him of his family. And it hurt-- but right now, Mikoto was grateful for it, because seeing a physical representation of what was gone forever would surely break this composure that she was working so hard to maintain.</p><p>Swallowing against the pain in her throat, she forced herself to focus, to stay present. She gripped the edges of the photo frame and looked over the faces in the picture. </p><p>Her son looked so grumpy. Under any other circumstances, she would have found it amusing. He glared forward at the camera, seemingly ignoring an equally intense pointed stare from Naruto beside him. Mikoto had never stopped before to consider the irony of Sasuke ending up on the same genin team as Kushina’s son. Her mind flashed to how Kushiha would react-- how happy they would both be to find their children matched on a team together. An experience that had been stolen from both of them. </p><p>She scanned the rest of the photo. Kakashi, smiling with his eye, his hands placed affectionately on Sasuke and Naruto’s heads. The girl in between them, a bright grin on her face. </p><p>Absorbing the commemorative photo, seeing Sasuke in a <em> genin headband </em> with <em> his genin team, </em>all grown up and graduated-- suddenly brought a rush of tears to Mikoto’s eyes. </p><p>Sasuke noticed this. Startled, he opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. </p><p>Mikoto sniffed and swiped at her cheeks. “I’m so proud of you,” she said, her voice shaking.</p><p>He came towards her and she reached out and cupped his face, holding him there so she could gaze at him. “You’re so grown up-- I can’t believe it. Look at you.” Her fingers swept a strand of hair behind his ear as a smile brimming with emotion pulled on her lips. “You got so tall and handsome….”</p><p>Sasuke tried and failed to hang onto stoicism. His brows pinched, his eyes glossed over and he looked at her with the sudden warmth of childlike adoration. </p><p>He wasn’t quite her height yet, so his chin fit perfectly over her shoulder as she hugged him. She rubbed her eyes one more time as she pulled away and let the moment pass as quickly as it had onset. </p><p>Looking back to the photo, she asked, “Who is the girl?” </p><p>“That’s Sakura,” Sasuke told her. “And the other boy is Naruto.” </p><p>He went on to describe several of their most memorable missions to her, and she listened as intently as she could. Mikoto wanted to absorb and internalize all the information he could give her, learn every little detail about the five years of his life that she missed, but unfortunately that was just not realistic. Even now, she found herself struggling to give her full attention to his story. </p><p>Her mind was distracted by other things-- as it would continue to be perpetually throughout the rest of the day. </p><p>The unspoken horror of what happened to Itachi hung over her like a dark ghost, so thick in the air it was almost tangible. Mikoto’s heart-- <em> her living, beating heart-- </em>sped up in a frenzy and she developed a sick feeling in her stomach whenever she thought about him. And she couldn’t stop thinking about him.</p><p>She could feel the phantom pain of her son’s sword cutting clean through her chest. No matter how hard she tried to ground herself and stay present for Sasuke, the memories threatened to drag her down into a violent ocean of tightly packed horror.</p><p>Itachi had killed her first. It was merciful, in a way. Got her pain over faster, so she didn’t have to hear her husband’s dead body thump to the floor, didn’t have to bear that tidal wave of grief just before her own life was extinguished. </p><p>She thought about Fugaku, and what he must have been thinking. He was a strong man. She could imagine him kneeling there, composed, his eyes shut as to not look down at her body crumpled beside him. Then Itachi’s sword driving through his chest. </p><p>“It must be hard,” Sasuke said quietly, while the two of them were eating dinner. She looked up from her plate-- he must have picked up on her silence. There was a look of genuine pain, empathy, on his face. “I know exactly what you’re feeling.” </p><p>And suddenly, she saw the whole weight of the five years she had been gone etched into her son’s body. His shoulders, the way they were slightly hunched, the calluses on his hands. The white flecks of scars that showed occasionally on his skin. He had been through <em> so much. </em>That was a pain she could never fully understand, even though it was her family too-- being alone with that grief for five whole years, a child with no family left at all. The blood behind his eyes… he must have seen the bodies. </p><p>She wondered with an even greater intensity, <em> what happened to Itachi?  </em></p><p>She couldn’t sleep that night, so instead she worried, worried, worried about her oldest son. </p><p>He was her son, but he was also her murderer. He was her son, but he was also the figurehead of his brother’s nightmares. He was her son, but he was also a decimator, a criminal with the blood of genocide on his hands. He was all these things, but most of all <em> he was her son.  </em></p><p>She loved him. She missed him. She worried about him. And she didn’t sleep, even after Sasuke drifted off beside her. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Six in the morning, ANBU Black Ops appeared on their doorstep. </p><p>Naruto was the one who let it slip. Shockingly, Sasuke couldn’t even find it in himself to be angry. </p><p>It wasn’t going to stay a secret for long, anyway, he had enough of his wits together to understand that. Eventually someone would have detected her chakra, or at least an extra presence in the village and come to investigate. Sasuke didn’t <em> want </em>it to happen, as he knew it would trigger a full-blown investigation (and she would be taken away from him)-- but it was unavoidable. </p><p>He stood in the kitchen with his hackles raised, sharingan on and flicking between the masked Black Ops faces, as his mother turned and calmly explained to him that he should just go along to training and wait for her to come back.</p><p>Everything in his mind screamed <em> no, </em>but he knew what was rational, so he swallowed against a prickly throat and said, “Yes, Mother.” </p><p>She gave him a warm smile. He didn’t need his sharingan to tell it was forced, though. As she turned to follow the ANBU out the door, her face steeled over-- and it actually reassured Sasuke more than her smile did. It told him she wasn’t going to put up with any bullshit.</p><p>So Sasuke did go to training, and as he went he felt his stomach twist with a wholly new kind of anxiety. It was almost as though a shock had gone through his nervous system and now he was hypersensitive to everything-- physically, mentally, and emotionally-- and the strangest part was that he didn’t hate it. </p><p>He felt a lot of things, predominantly anxiety, which was so bad it nearly made him sick. But underneath that there was a feeling he was so starkly unfamiliar with he couldn’t put a name to it. It was similar to anxiety in that it made his heart beat faster, made his pace quicken, and gave him energy. He walked down the street as casually as he could, while his muscles wanted to jump and run or climb or <em>something, </em>which was uncomfortable-- but it wasn’t <em>unpleasant. </em></p><p>Aghast, Sasuke found himself with the thought: <em> is this how Naruto feels all the time?!  </em></p><p>He was coming close to the training grounds when the name for this feeling finally dawned on him.</p><p><em> Euphoria</em>. </p><p>He was happy. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Mikoto stilled the anger in her with steady breaths as the ANBU agents led her to the Hokage’s office. </p><p>Stopping her directly in front of Sarutobi Hiruzen's desk, they fanned out around the room, clearly there to create an imposing appearance. Mikoto was forced to calmly look into the crumpled old face of a man she deeply hated. </p><p>And the man had the audacity to greet her with a smile. </p><p>“I never thought I’d be so glad to see your face, Mikoto,” droned the Sandaime Hokage, eyes edged with crow’s feet squinted in the friendly grandpa way he’d perfected from years as Konoha’s functioning handpuppet. </p><p>“Hn,” was all Mikoto said.</p><p>“I assume you were briefed on the intel we received earlier this morning. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you with more pleasantries. Let me jump straight to the point.”</p><p>“Please do.” </p><p>Sarutobi looked smaller and more shriveled than ever. Mikoto begrudgingly wondered why he hadn’t died yet. “These are unprecedented circumstances for this village-- I might go as far to say the entire shinobi world. No one’s ever heard of a person being brought back from the dead as… <em> perfectly </em>as you have. You’ve had a full day back in this world. I’m curious-- have you noticed any differences in yourself at all? Physical, mental?” </p><p>Mikoto thought about her six-pointed mangekyou sharingan. “No, Sandiame-sama.”</p><p>Sarutobi nodded thoughtfully. “Interesting.” </p><p>His desk was overly organized-- it featured no more than three stacks of paperwork, his pipe, a cup of tea that still had steam rising from it, a photo frame that was faced away from her, and a small houseplant. </p><p>Mikoto knew better than to engage her sharingan in front of the Hokage. But frequent dojutsu users tend to develop exceptional visual precision even with their normal eyes. Quick scanning, cataloging, memorizing, analyzing-- the skills the sharingan trains are retained even without enhanced vision. </p><p>So it wasn’t hard to tell this room was put together specifically for her appearance.</p><p>“Do you know anything about the jutsu that brought you back?” Sarutobi continued.</p><p>“It was a scroll with a summoning seal. That’s all I know.” A <em> very complex </em>summoning seal at that, which Sasuke had purchased from a street store. </p><p>“I’d like this scroll to be placed in the custody of the Sealing Corps, if you don’t mind. With research they might be able to trace it back to its creator-- and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how many doors possessing this kind of jutsu would open. It’s vital that we obtain it before other villages can.”</p><p>“I don’t have it.” </p><p>Sarutobi blinked at her. “Who does?” </p><p><em> Kakashi. </em>“I was disoriented for several minutes after I was summoned. I don’t know what happened to it during that time.” </p><p>The Third Hokage merely hummed in response, tapping his finger thoughtfully against the edge of the desk. </p><p>She always found it particularly annoying that the Sandaime opted to wear his full Hokage robes and hat near <em> constantly, </em> as if everyone would completely overlook him otherwise. Like he needed to project the reminder that <em> yes, </em> this tiny, shriveled, stagnant old man <em> was </em>in fact the Leaf’s Third Hokage and not just your everyday indistinct-looking grandpa. That, or maybe he owned no normal clothes. Mikoto didn’t have a hard time believing that idea either.</p><p>“I’ll have to take that question to Naruto and Sakura, I suppose,” Sarutobi mused with a light-humored chuckle, and Mikoto felt a flash of anger go through her. <em>Of course.</em> <em>Why don’t you continue to exploit the children? You’ve never been above it before. </em></p><p>“In addition,” he continued, before she could respond, “I would like to have both you and your son sit through some tests in the hospital later to get a reading on your chakra levels. Getting you a complete physical will be the first step to forming an idea of what really happened.” </p><p>Mikoto nodded curtly.</p><p>Seeming to have noticed her lack of responsiveness, Sarutobi let out a short, pensive sigh and leaned forward. His face took on an expression she’d seen on him many times before-- an almost infantilizing prying look, as if essentially pleading with her to affirm, to compromise. “Mikoto, we require your cooperation for this to work. I understand how uncomfortable and frightening it must be to be back in the world, five years after your death. But your reappearance has brought in a slew of opportunity.” He placed his gnarled hand on the desk for emphasis. “If we get our hands on this jutsu, there is the possibility of restoring more of your clan.”</p><p>Mikoto’s blood boiled with white-hot anger. <em> Liar, </em> she thought, <em> you don’t want that. It’s your fault we’re all dead.  </em></p><p>Instead, she said nothing. Communicated nothing-- forced her face to go slate-blank. </p><p>Sensing he wasn’t getting anywhere with her, Sarutobi pursed his lips and leaned back, slackening. He resigned himself. Mikoto sensed this meeting would soon come to a close. “One last thing-- I’m having you restored to normal jounin duties.” He placed his hand atop the nearest paperwork stack. “From this point forward you are once again a citizen of Konoha, with full right to live and work within these walls. Anyone who opposes that will be dealt with accordingly. I don’t want you to have anything to worry about.” He patted the file. “You’re granted three days to get adjusted and spend your time as you see fit before the assignors will begin considering you for mission duty.” With that, he gave her another grandpa smile. “You are dismissed.”</p><p>Mikoto didn’t budge. “Sarutobi-sama,” she began, ice in her voice, “you can’t have brought me here expecting me not to ask questions. I want to know what happened to Itachi.” </p><p>At the mention of his name, all six ANBU agents started, leaping into ready positions. Sarutobi made a scolding noise and raised a hand to call them off. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I can’t discuss that with you right now. At a later date, you will be summoned to a discreet location where everything will be explained. Until then, I must ask you to never speak about that topic. It could cause unrest in the village.”</p><p>Mikoto bit the inside of her cheek so hard it bled. “Yes, sir.” </p><p>A crackling breath expanded his chest, evidence of old age and the smoking habit wearing away at his body. “Thank you for answering my summons, Mikoto.” He smiled at her one more time, oversweetened and flimsy. “Go on back to your son-- he needs you.” </p><p><em> Yes, Sasuke needs me, because you failed to do your job and orphaned him, and failed again to even provide him care beyond that tiny apartment. </em> She thought of Kushina’s son. Naruto. <em> You stick orphans where you don’t want to see them anymore. Do you just not want to be reminded of your failures every time you look at them? The way you failed to prevent the deaths of Kushina and Minato, myself and my entire fucking clan? </em></p><p>Sasuke wasn’t supposed to be alone. </p><p>He was supposed to have his brother if he had no one else. But Itachi was gone, and no one could tell her what happened to him. </p><p>She knew better than to prod-- the memory of her last experience before death was still fresh and seething, and a person couldn’t massacre their entire clan and expect to get away with it, regardless of if it was under orders. Itachi must have known that his actions were a death sentence. </p><p>The facts were: her clan was dead. Itachi was gone. Sasuke was alone. </p><p>And it was all the result of Sarutobi’s negligence.</p><p><em> Incompetent old man. </em>She finally turned around and exited the room, the gazes of the six ANBU agents prying into her back. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Avoidance of Reflection</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I realized I made a timeline mistake by implying the chunin exams have already happened even though Hiruzen is still alive, so I went through and edited out all of the exams references. It takes place definitely before. Everything should make chronological sense now.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Training was weird for Sasuke.</p><p>Weirder than normal, at least, and that was saying a lot. </p><p>Both Sakura and Naruto behaved strangely around him, like they weren’t sure what to say or do. He could tell they wanted to talk-- there were unspoken questions itching to burst out of their skin. But the effort to keep them contained made the both of them uncomfortably quiet. Sasuke could feel their stares pricking into the back of his neck. </p><p>Strangest of all, Kakashi was actually on time. </p><p>He arrived, greeted them, and promptly said they were taking it easy today. He didn’t side-eye Sasuke when he said this, but he might as well have, because the direction was obvious enough.</p><p>Sasuke’s life had suddenly, radically changed, and now they were all wary of him. </p><p>Sasuke couldn’t quite explain it, but felt simultaneously different and the exact same. Part of him was annoyed at the change in dynamic, thinking <em> there’s no reason for this-- it’s not like there’s anything wrong with me. Nothing that would prevent me from training normally. </em> And the other part was stewing in extreme discomfort about the fact that his entire team saw him <em> cry.  </em></p><p>Not just cry, but full-on <em> bawl like a baby </em> in the arms of his mother. </p><p>His mother, who was alive, who his whole team watched him summon two days ago. Who they knew existed somewhere here in the village-- Sasuke’s <em>previously dead mother</em> who had been killed by his brother five years ago in an event that stamped him an outcast and something to be wary of because he was the only survivor of his slaughtered clan but not anymore because his mother was back and <em> oh god it was too much-- </em>and his friends looked at him like they expected him to break down spontaneously at any minute. </p><p>It reminded him slightly of the time right after the massacre, when he finally waded out of his grief-stricken trance enough to notice that everyone was pointedly avoiding him. Stealing glances and whispering and <em>thinking </em>about him, but refusing to acknowledge his existence face-on. It was a feeling that he hated, being an object of cautious attention.</p><p>Irritated at no one but himself, Sasuke stared intently forward and tried to ignore the glancing faces of his teammates and sensei. </p><p>“O-kay,” Kakashi said, breaking the awkward silence. “Up, children. Let’s not waste the day now.” </p><p>“Ironic, coming from you,” Sasuke said as he rose, feeling the need to snark at someone, “when you spend day after day with your face stuffed in that trashy book.” </p><p>At that, both Naruto and Sakura burst into giggles. </p><p>Kakashi huffed in amusement. “Come on guys, it’s not bully-your-sensei time.” </p><p>Sasuke stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Right, sorry. I forgot bully-your-sensei time is only four to five PM on Tuesdays.” </p><p>“You bully us all the time!” Sakura jabbed, poking Kakashi’s back. </p><p>“That’s because I’m the sensei and you’re the students. Bullying you is a part of my job.”</p><p>“Did <em> your </em> jounin-sensei bully you, Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto asked.</p><p>Kakashi looked thoughtful for a moment. “No, not really…. not on purpose.”</p><p>The three kids responded in a vaguely synchronous chorus of <em> “Then why do you get to bully us?!”  </em></p><p>“Hey,” Kakashi said defensively, “are we forgetting that <em> I’m </em> the one getting bullied here?”</p><p>Feeling satisfied to have directed the conversation to something other than himself, Sasuke let the bickering fade to background noise as he walked. Where they were walking, he wasn’t quite sure; they were in a clearing in the training grounds with a few targets and dummies situated around the place. Kakashi said they were taking it easy, so Sasuke assumed that meant they were free to practice whatever they wanted. </p><p>Over their last mission, he had gotten it in his mind to practice more advanced fire style techniques. He was frustrated with how simple his grasp over them was-- while advanced by average genin standards, they were far below the bar for an Uchiha, especially the son of the clan head-- and Itachi’s younger brother. </p><p>The reminder of his brother triggered a strong adverse reaction in him. He physically shook his head, as if to reject it. </p><p>Usually, he was used to embracing the anger it gave him. <em> Foster your hatred. </em>It had become second nature to hone his emotions down to a fine point, preparing for the day they would find their target. </p><p>Now, his brain viciously repelled the thoughts like an armor. Because for the first time in five years, he felt actually, genuinely, <em> not miserable, </em>and he didn’t want anything to spoil his mood. </p><p>He’d consider it a weakness if he thought too hard about it. </p><p>But right then, all he decided to think about was his mother, and how he hoped she would be done with her meeting soon so he could ask her to help him with his fire style jutsu.</p><p>When they reached an area that had a number targets posted around the field, Kakashi told them he had some other business to take care of and that they could work on their taijutsu while he was gone. He asked them to please try not to kill each other (but wounding is alright if they apologize) and left with that. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Alone in Sasuke’s apartment, Mikoto felt the reality of her situation with ten times as much weight. </p><p>In order to avoid falling into a spiral, she took to distracting herself by cleaning. And then when she finished cleaning, she sharpened the extra kunai Sasuke kept in a box in his bedroom. And when she finished that, she tried to make some food, and was utterly horrified by the sparseness of his cabinets and refrigerator. </p><p>Sasuke kept his apartment fairly organized and didn’t have many personal items beyond necessities. His stock of food, by extension, consisted of only the bare minimum of what an active shinobi’s diet should consist of. He clearly took his training seriously and spent his money responsibly. He never liked sweets, so it wasn’t like she expected that, but he hardly had so much as a post-mission snack for himself--  nevermind enough food for two people, or even one fully prepared meal. </p><p>Mikoto had had him cook with her occasionally in his childhood, when Fugaku and Itachi were busy with work and missions and Sasuke wasn’t yet enrolled in the academy. He enjoyed it, and he was quite good at it too-- he had always been a quick learner and it helped that he put so much effort into everything he did. It pained her to think about how it must have been after her death. She would understand if cooking had become a painful experience for him. </p><p>Deciding she would have to go grocery shopping, Mikoto found a piece of paper and a pen and began writing a list. </p><p>She was meant to pick up a payment from the bank to tide her over for a few weeks while the deed to the Uchiha clan’s finances was sorted out, which was a whole other box to unpack. Mikoto had yet to know what happened to all of the clan’s resources in the wake of their deaths-- the responsibility would have been all fallen to Sasuke, being the only survivor and only living person entitled to make those decisions, but he was an eight year-old at the time any of it was in process. Definitely not old enough to sign major contracts or to claim ownership to finances and an entire district of buildings. </p><p>She would have to figure out how to get that handled justly, return the clan’s assets to the clan they rightfully belonged to, even if that clan consisted of only two people. But that was too much to think about at the moment, and it required her to dwell on and process the fact that her entire clan was <em> actually gone, </em>so Mikoto chose to focus solely on her grocery list for now. </p><p>Sasuke’s favorite foods were tomatoes and rice, so she wrote those down first.</p><p>She hoped those were still his favorite foods, anyway. Sasuke was twelve now, not seven, and a lot can change in five years, especially for a traumatized and growing child. </p><p>The fact that she wasn’t even sure of her son’s favorite foods anymore gave her an uncomfortable anxiety. Mikoto always hated not knowing things or feeling like she was out of the loop. Despite her position as one of the Uchiha clan heads, she was often sidelined in favor of her husband, and therefore didn’t receive all the information that he did. People often just didn’t feel the need to tell her things, including Fugaku-- and her discontent from that tided over to the present, and caused her tension over the fact that she hardly knew anything about her son anymore. The missing information created a seeming void in her mind that pleaded to be filled in. She tried to silence the voice by reminding herself that there was nothing to be done about it right now. This was a unique and uncharted experience and she couldn’t expect to get adjusted immediately. She would have time to get to know Sasuke again, and she would, even though she wished she didn’t have to. </p><p>Sighing, she finished up the list, placed her pen down and ran her fingers through her hair. </p><p>If she was living in her normal life, she would waste no time before putting this list in her pocket and heading to the store. She’d take little Sasuke with her, and Itachi too if he was around and had the time. If Fugaku wasn’t working, she’d ask him if there was anything in particular he wanted her to pick up. He would grunt a no in response or maybe ask for something small, like a stick of dango (because yes, Uchiha Fugaku had a sweet tooth, which was a secret that only Mikoto was privy to). </p><p>The thought created a cavernous bud of loss in her chest. She longed for her husband. That was a painful truth she tried to stifle by keeping busy, but a piece of her heart absolutely ached for him, and craved the stability of his rational and resolute presence. This was doubly strange for her because their relationship had not been that close in its last few years. Early on, it was different; even though their marriage was arranged, they had both put in the effort to make it work. They got to know each other. They connected. They developed a mutual love that was strengthened by the birth of their two children. He was a cold man by nature but he was soft with her, and he was soft with their sons in their earliest years, and Mikoto had respect for him. Then his duties and the tensions between the village and the clan hardened him. He became closed off and was barely present for his family except to ensure that his sons were training hard. He’d always been strict, but with time, he became grueling, and Mikoto recalled multiple fights where she’d been nearly driven to take the boys and leave. </p><p>She could never actually do that, of course-- their circumstances didn’t allow it. Where would they go, anyway? She had too many responsibilities to the clan, as did Itachi, and besides it all she truly did love her husband and held out hope that one day things would go back to the way they were. </p><p>But they never did. </p><p>Their relationship remained tense up until the night they died together. At that moment, in Mikoto’s somber acceptance of her fate, she felt a sense of understanding and solidarity with him that she hadn’t experienced in years. A silent agreement to die peacefully by their son’s hand. And they did, they died peacefully, and she would have remained dead had it not been for Sasuke’s interference. </p><p>The jutsu scroll said it would summon the caster’s greatest desire. Sasuke’s greatest desire was her-- to have his mother back. </p><p>That fact felt like hot cinders on her skin. </p><p>Mikoto couldn’t afford to let her grief consume her because Sasuke needed her. He had needed her for five years, and now she was finally here, and she had to make up for all that lost time. So she forced everything down again and folded up her grocery list. </p><p>She had to go pick up a new jounin uniform anyway, so she could complete both of those tasks at the same time. Right as she was getting ready to leave, she sensed the chakra of a person approaching the apartment. The muted image cleared enough that she could recognize who the signature belonged to, and she opened the window for Kakashi before he could knock. </p><p>Kakashi perched on the windowsill, grabbing onto the top of the frame. “How did you know I was going for the window?” </p><p>Mikoto crossed her arms. “Everyone who’s been in ANBU goes for the window.” </p><p>He chuckled lightly at that. “Ah, yeah. I suppose you would know.” </p><p>“What are you doing here?” </p><p>“I wanted to apologize. I thought I’d be able to buy you more time than just a day, so I’m sorry. It can’t be easy getting adjusted after-- knowing about your son…” </p><p>Mikoto flinched inwardly, knowing right away which son he was talking about. </p><p>She recalled Hiruzen’s earlier words, forbidding her from speaking about this topic. Kakashi likely had the same amount of information as her, if not less: the Uchiha clan was dead and Itachi was the perpetrator. Itachi was also nowhere to be found and taboo to mention. If the plans about the coup were never revealed after the massacre, then the whole village would have no idea <em> why </em>Itachi was made to kill them-- which meant Kakashi didn’t either. The implications of that made her dread. </p><p>But she merely nodded, swallowing her questions. </p><p>Kakashi cleared his throat. “What I’m saying is that I get it. You have a lot to process. If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.” </p><p>“Thank you,” she said. “But right now, I’d just prefer not to think about it.” </p><p>Kakashi quirked his eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like healthy coping.”</p><p>Mikoto scoffed. “As if you would know the first thing about healthy coping, Kakashi. I’ve heard stories from Kushina.” </p><p>The two of them shared a quiet laugh. They’d both known Kushina well, and both suffered her loss. Mikoto found herself wondering why they never spoke about it before-- why she never reached out. </p><p>“We’ve lost a lot of the same people, haven’t we?” she said. </p><p>Kakashi hummed, considering. “I suppose so.” </p><p>She could feel him eyeing her, and she leaned back against the counter, looking away. Her vision couldn’t seem to focus. For some time, neither of them spoke. It grew harder to stay afloat with each moment of silence.</p><p>“Mikoto,” Kakashi eventually said. </p><p>She looked over at him. She gave him a heavy look that conveyed every ounce of her exhaustion, and he responded with one of calm empathy. </p><p>“Don’t shut yourself away in here, all right?” </p><p>“I wasn’t planning to.” </p><p>“You say that as if you haven’t been keeping busy with pointless tasks for the last hour or so.” He raised his eyebrow, having clearly taken notice of the over-cleanliness of Sasuke’s apartment. “I can see where Sasuke gets his perfectionism.” </p><p>Mikoto winced internally at that, knowing full well that wasn’t from her. Sasuke’s perfectionism came directly from his father-- a result of the inferiority complex that Fugaku had instilled in him through his criticism and comparison. </p><p>“Why don’t you come to the training grounds with me?” Kakashi offered. “You can meet the kids, see Sasuke in action. I’m sure he’d like that.” </p><p>Mikoto gave it some thought, then nodded. “I would like that, too.” A smile graced her lips. “I would love to see how far he’s come. Before-- when I was alive-- he was just learning his first fireball jutsu.” Her heart ached with the memory. Kneeling down to rub burn ointment on her young son’s face after he’d spent all day practicing, working so hard to impress his father. And Naruto was now on Sasuke's team, too. Mikoto had never been able to be a part of his life. Perhaps now was her chance to make up for that.</p><p>“You’ll be glad to know he’s come far since then. He graduated at the top of his class, and I find him to be skilled for a genin. And he’s got a little bit of a rivalry with Naruto. It’s very cute.” </p><p>At that, Mikoto managed a light laugh. “All right,” she said. “I have to go pick up a new jacket and headband, but after that, I’ll meet you there.”</p><p>Kakashi gave her a thumbs-up, and then he leapt back from the window, disappearing out of sight. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Sasuke lay, winded, on the grass underneath a triumphant Sakura. </p><p>Her fist was poised inches from his face, her forearm over his throat, effectively holding him to the ground. She had beaten him in their taijutsu match. Easily. In fact, she overpowered him so fast that he hardly even remembered what happened. </p><p>Off to the side, Naruto was laughing so hard he might have busted a lung. “She just destroyed you!” he wheezed out, pointing offensively at Sasuke, who only let out a soft groan of pain in response. </p><p>Sakura stepped off of him. “Are you okay?" she asked, holding out a hand to help him up. "I’m sorry I hit you so hard. I didn’t expect it to-- well, I didn’t expect it to be so easy.” </p><p>Sasuke stumbled to his feet, hissing through clenched teeth as his muscles screamed with soreness. </p><p>“What happened?” Sakura fixed him with a concerned look and placed her hand on his arm. </p><p>“Sasuke got beat, that’s what happened!” Naruto interjected. He poked Sasuke in the chest. “You’re getting rusty, y’know. I bet I could take you on <em> easily </em>now.” </p><p>Sasuke swiped his hand away. “In your dreams, usuratonkachi.” </p><p>“Oh yeah?! You wanna go?” </p><p>“Not now.” He pushed Naruto to an arm’s length distance. “You go up against the winner, not the loser.” </p><p>“Yeah, Naruto,” Sakura said, crossing her arms. “Get over here. It’s your turn.” </p><p>Naruto scrunched up his face as Sasuke passed him.  “All right, fine. But next time we fight, I will get you, just wait.”</p><p>“Whatever,” Sasuke mumbled. “Good match, Sakura.” He held out his fingers to form the unison sign, and she hooked hers around his. She smiled at him and they ignored Naruto who shouted something about it hardly even being a match. </p><p>Then Sasuke went and sat off to the side as Naruto placed himself across from Sakura. He sighed, lying down on the grass, and ignored the way his spine cracked as he did so. </p><p>The match with Sakura was just… a slip-up. That’s all. He had a momentary lapse of judgement-- probably a lingering result of the recent shock. Nothing to worry about. </p><p>He noted how he felt unusually tired. His sharingan resisted activation, and he allowed it to shut off, welcoming the sky’s blue in place of the red filter. Sakura was admittedly getting much faster recently, and her chakra control was impeccable. The extra effort to keep up with her in sparring must have depleted his energy. </p><p>Sasuke watched the clouds drift by, his backdrop the faded sounds of his teammates fighting. A shout from Sakura, yelps from Naruto and the popping of shadow clones told him how the battle was going. <em> (“You can’t use shadow clones, Naruto! This is a </em> taijutsu <em> match!” “So what? All my clones are doing taijutsu!”) </em></p><p>He would have been quite content to drift off to sleep there had it not been for the people who suddenly landed nearby— and the familiar voice calling out to him. </p><p>“Sasuke!” </p><p>Sasuke’s heart jolted in his chest. He sat up straight, looked over to the source of the noise to find his mother waving at him, dressed in jounin attire, standing alongside Kakashi.</p><p>She had come to see him train. Sasuke had to actively resist the urge to run straight into her arms, he was so excited. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt anything like this— just pure happiness. The worry and exhaustion seemed to melt off him to make way for it, and he couldn’t help the smile that came to his face as she walked over and sat down beside him. </p><p>"You're working on taijutsu today?" she began lightly, offering him a smile in return as she settled on the grass. </p><p>Sasuke nodded. Kakashi stood beside them as together they watched the continuation of Sakura and Naruto's fight. </p><p>"They're both good," Mikoto commented, and Kakashi just hummed. Sakura seemed to have the upper hand, though Naruto wasn't any closer to giving up, continuing to insist on using his shadow clones despite Sakura’s scolding. </p><p>Sasuke picked at his fingernails, unsure of what to say. He felt a prickle of embarrassment and gratitude for the fact that his mother hadn't arrived in time to see him get defeated pathetically in his last match. </p><p>After a few moments, Kakashi walked forward, right into the fray of the fight and caught both Sakura and Naruto by the arms almost effortlessly. </p><p>"Guys," he said, "there’s someone here that you should formally meet." </p><p>The two of them looked over in Sasuke's direction, the fight fading from their eyes as they noticed Mikoto. They stalled there for a moment, expressions of wonder on their faces. </p><p>Kakashi led them over to where Sasuke and his mother sat, and Mikoto stood to greet them. Sasuke stood after her-- and the soreness in his legs flared up with the movement.</p><p>Naruto bumbled up first, eyes wide and practically glowing with amazed curiosity. “You’re really Sasuke’s mom?” he blurted out, just the same as he had when he first saw her. Sasuke found himself rolling his eyes. </p><p>Mikoto just laughed softly, a good-natured smile on her face. “Yes, I am.” </p><p>Sakura glared and pinched Naruto from behind, causing him to yelp. Then she swept forward and extended her hand to greet Mikoto with a sweet smile. “It’s really nice to meet you, ma’am,” she said. “I’m Haruno Sakura.” </p><p>Mikoto shook her hand, before Naruto bumped Sakura to the side with his shoulder. “And I’m Uzumaki Naruto!” </p><p>They exchanged more pleasantries-- and even Sasuke, in his happy haze, could feel the awkwardness of unspoken topics. The circumstances of her arrival went unaddressed, and though Sasuke preferred it that way, it made their interactions uncomfortable. It’s not every day that one has to introduce themselves to their friend’s formerly dead mother. </p><p>“Mikoto-san is here to oversee your training today,” Kakashi said. “Please be respectful and don’t bother her with questions unless they’re training-related.” </p><p>“Got it, Kakashi-Sensei!" Naruto chirped. Giggling, he bounced on his toes. Clearly unable to help himself, he turned back to Mikoto and exclaimed, "Can you tell us embarrassing stories about Sasuke?!" </p><p>"That is not training-related!" Sakura yelled, smacking him on the back of the head, as Sasuke felt a cold shock of horror go through him.</p><p>His mother just laughed, cupping a hand over her mouth. "Maybe later," she said.</p><p>Sasuke's jaw dropped. "Mom, no!" </p><p>At that point, Kakashi turned his head away to hide amusement, as Naruto dissolved into a fit of giggles. </p><p>Sasuke's cheeks prickled-- but seeing his mother smile and laugh made any irritation fade from his mind immediately. He found himself smiling too, and willed himself to ask the question that had been on his mind all day.</p><p>“Mom,” he began quietly, and the word felt foreign but sweet, "can you teach me fire style jutsu?" </p><p>Mikoto looked at him, momentarily surprised. Then her face softened, her eyes lighting up. "I would love to. Of course, Sasuke." </p><p>Her answer made him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, and had to force himself to stop smiling as to not look dumb in front of his team. </p><p>He was going to get to learn Uchiha clan signature jutsu directly from an Uchiha, something he had accepted was never going to be possible again. That, plus the attention and care from his mother that he still wasn’t used to experiencing, compiled to set his heart on fire.</p><p>"Alright," Kakashi said, "let's leave them to do that for now. You two, I would like to talk to you about the techniques you were using during your taijutsu match just now." He placed his hands on Sakura and Naruto's shoulders, and Sakura gave Naruto a piercing glare from the corner of her eye. At that, Kakashi steered the two of them away, looking back at Mikoto and Sasuke as if in affirmation.</p><p>Sasuke looked up at his mother, waiting for direction from her. </p><p>"You want to learn about fire style jutsus?” she asked with a warm smile, and Sasuke nodded. “How much do you know so far?"</p><p>Sasuke explained to her everything he knew, and the extent of his grasp on the fire style forms. He halfway felt a small prickle of embarrassment, thinking she might find his knowledge subpar-- but her face betrayed nothing but glowing pride. She complimented him, said he was very smart and clearly studied hard, and asked him to show her some of his favorites. </p><p>Warmed by the validation, Sasuke complied. He formed the hand signs for his Katon jutsus and started with a basic fireball, making sure to not to touch the grass with the flames, which would be an embarrassing rookie mistake. Then he moved one by one through the other few fire style jutsus he knew. All controlled, careful, and small, for demonstration purposes. His mother praised him after each one, offering slight corrections in stance and positioning. </p><p>His last one was a Dragon Flame jutsu, one he'd only recently begun practicing. When he formed the hand signs to create it, though, the jet of fire caught somewhere in his chest. Coughing suddenly and exhaling smoke, Sasuke pitched forward and gasped for breath, feeling as though his throat had been scorched with a hot poker. </p><p>His mother put her arms around him, holding him steady. “Easy, easy,” she hushed, “breathe it out.” </p><p>When he regained his breath, Sasuke straightened up, swiping at his watering eyes. "I don't know what that was," he choked out. "I don't know why it didn't-- " </p><p>She rubbed his arm lightly. "It's alright, it happens. Did it burn you? Does your throat hurt?" </p><p>When he nodded, her face pinched into an expression of worry. “That doesn’t usually happen,” Sasuke insisted, swallowing painfully against the smoky taste. </p><p>“It’s alright, honey. We’ll just get you some water, okay? I’ll go get Kakashi and let him know--”</p><p>“No, don’t.” Sasuke grabbed onto her sleeve to stop her from turning away. “It’s not that important. I can keep going.” </p><p>His mother looked at him doubtfully, soft concern in her eyes. “Don’t push yourself too hard. Especially with this kind of jutsu.” </p><p>Ignoring how exhausted he felt, how laborious it was to breathe, Sasuke just nodded again in acknowledgement. He looked at her a few moments longer, silently pleading for her to stay-- and she sighed, reaching out to ruffle his hair. </p><p>“You’re still so stubborn.” Her voice carried an affectionate laugh, but heavy sadness lied underneath it. “Just be careful, okay? And tell me if it gets too painful, I don’t want to let you injure yourself.” </p><p>Sasuke savored the physical touch as it lasted. Her words left him feeling somewhat shameful, a faint sense in the back of his mind, but it was far overshadowed by the glow of appreciation for his mother’s love. With a scratchy voice, he asked, “Can you help me with my sharingan after this?”</p><p>She simply smiled at him and leaned in to press a kiss to his temple. “Of course.” </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>***</p><p> </p><p>They continued to work on some less intensive Katon techniques and bridged into sharingan training over the course of the next few hours. As afternoon approached, Kakashi, Sakura and Naruto met up with them again and Mikoto fell back to the side to let Kakashi retake the reins with his students. </p><p>It was nearly time for their lunch break, and Mikoto still needed to go grocery shopping. </p><p>At a point where Kakashi was free, she approached him and politely dismissed herself for the time being, then promptly headed back for the village.</p><p>She had always bought her groceries from the local shopkeepers and farmer’s markets in the Uchiha district. But all of those people were dead now, their farms abandoned, shop stands full of dust and scrubbed-off bloodstains and stripped of all useful materials. Mikoto didn’t dare go back there, even though her muscle memory begged her to, and she forced herself to put the images out of her mind altogether. The village had plenty of shops and markets to choose from-- she’d find a new one and focus on picking out the perfect tomatoes to keep from thinking about her home. </p><p>Walking the Konoha streets, Mikoto felt unusually self-conscious, wary as though eyes were prickling into her skin. Her flak jacket concealed the Uchiha crest on her back and kept her safe from immediate attention, but she still had the burning fear that everyone around her could sense she wasn’t supposed to be there. </p><p>The announcement of her return would be made public soon, she knew, now that she was being placed back in the active jounin registry, and information always spread quickly among ninja. For now, it was all she could do to cling to anonymity. </p><p>She saw people she recognized-- people she used to work with, people who were in her academy graduating class, who looked older and sadder and more scarred-- and her heart quickened with each reminder that five years were missing from her life. She lowered her face to keep from being looked at and stuck to walking under overhangs and in the buildings’ shadows so no one would become curious by the sight of a jounin they weren’t familiar with. </p><p>When she arrived at a grocery store, she did her shopping quickly and efficiently, but instead of the distraction she was hoping for, the mundane task only highlighted her environment’s absences. No little Sasuke lingering around her legs, inquiring about the food she picked out. No Itachi to help her locate everything on her list. No need to pick up a small bag of sweets because there was no one at home who liked sweets anymore. </p><p>The clerk working the counter was a teenager, most likely too young to know her by face-- but Mikoto still approached cautiously, spoke very little, and refused to make eye contact in their interaction, overly careful in her desire to go unnoticed as if she could pretend she was still dead.</p><p>When she finished, she went back to Sasuke’s apartment, put away the groceries in their proper places except for a few select ingredients, which she used to prepare some bento lunches.</p><p>She then returned to the training grounds just in time for their break and surprised the three children with food-- and the joy on their faces was the most effective distraction she’d encountered so far.</p><p>Mikoto spent the rest of the day with them, observing their training, helping out where she could. She spent some time with Sakura and found her chakra control to be exceptional for a child her age, and offered to introduce her to some more advanced genjutsu techniques with Kakashi’s permission. </p><p>When she spent time with Naruto, all she could see was Kushina. His loud and impulsive personality, indignant protests, disregard for rules, and fiery spirit were perfect mirrors of his mother, and Mikoto’s heart hurt with fondness as she looked at him. She wondered in awe how he could be so similar to Kushina despite never having met her. And she wished more than ever to sit him down and tell him about his parents, reveal the information he was forbidden to know. </p><p>But that wasn’t an option, so the least she could do for him was to be friendly, offer kindness. And that was enough, it seemed, to win his favor, because by the end of the day he had taken to calling her--</p><p>“Auntie Mikoto!” Naruto bounded up, the thick late-day sunlight catching his yellow hair and making it glisten. “You’re coming back tomorrow, aren’t you?” </p><p>Taken aback by the nickname, Mikoto briefly hesitated to respond; and in the meantime Sakura bonked Naruto on the head with the heel of her palm. “What he <em> means,” </em>she interjected, “is that we’re very grateful for your help today, Mikoto-san… and we’d like it if you came to help us out again.” </p><p>Mikoto really liked these kids. She could never have asked for better teammates for her son. “I would love to,” she said, “if your sensei says it’s alright.” </p><p>“I’m sure Kakashi doesn’t care.” Sakura cupped her hands around her mouth to form a megaphone. “Hey, Kakashi-Sensei!” </p><p>Across the field a little ways, Kakashi looked up from his conversation with Sasuke. “What?” </p><p>“You don’t mind if Mikoto-san comes back tomorrow, do you?”</p><p>“Oh, no, it’s fine…” </p><p>Mikoto shook her head in amusement, fascinated by this team dynamic. </p><p>Sasuke lingered out by the training posts, where he had been half-heartedly listening to a talk from Kakashi before Sakura’s interruption. Mikoto glanced back at him, noting yet again how much he’d grown. It was strange, how every time she looked at him her brain seemed to skip like a broken record, as though it had trouble processing the information going into it. Like it took her half an instant longer to recognize him than it used to. </p><p>But she'd made her decision already; she <em>would </em>get to know him again. She would get to a point where her son, this twelve year-old boy who grew up without her, would no longer feel like a stranger. </p><p>The first step to that: to become adjusted to his current life. </p><p>“Sasuke, how would you like to have your friends over for dinner?” Mikoto asked. “I’ll make oyakodon, if everyone is alright with that.” </p><p>Naruto whooped for joy and jumped in the air, and Sakura clapped her hands together excitedly. Kakashi merely looked at Mikoto with a half-raised eyebrow. </p><p>Sasuke glanced between his teammates and his mother. Then a small smile crept to his face, and he nodded. “Okay.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My favorite thing to write is Sasuke receiving the love he deserves. the boy just needs some familial care and support and by god I am going to give it to him</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. A Family Dinner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This story is now fully outlined, so chapter updates will get faster soon. Thank you to everyone that's been reading!</p><p>Little warning: there is a description of a panic attack towards the end of this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mikoto held out her hand, allowing a crow to perch on her wrist and peck at the grains in her palm. </p><p>Her older sister Rei had introduced her to crows, though she never learned to manipulate them or to use them for battle. Her bond to them existed through reading their chakra and allowing them to read hers-- a mutual exchange of information. </p><p>Rei had owned an aviary where the crows liked to gather. Mikoto and their youngest sister Toshiko spent a lot of time there in their teenage years; and later, a child named Shisui would practically grow up within it. Shisui forged a connection with the crows of a depth that was unheard of in the clan, and he would then go on to teach Mikoto’s eldest son to connect with them in the same way. </p><p>With Shisui and Itachi always out on missions, Mikoto often went by the aviary and communicated with the crows so that she could check up on her boys. The crows’ chakra was all linked through invisible threads, in a delicate network that allowed her to track them, in a way. She could sense clusters of the birds mingled with Shisui’s or Itachi’s chakra, feel their heartbeats, and know if they were alright. The faintness was a general indicator of their distance.</p><p>It was something that reassured her, calmed her nerves. Because of this, the crows’ presence had grown to have a soothing effect on her. This was changed by Shisui’s death-- after which a deep sorrow accompanied them.</p><p>She stroked the bird’s glossy black feathers as it finished off the seeds in her palm, ruffling its wings and tossing its head as if stretching taut muscles. Its warm chakra pulsed steady like a gentle heartbeat, threaded between all the other crows in the area. </p><p>Breathing deeply, Mikoto mingled some of her own chakra with the crow’s. She traced the interconnected web as far as she could reach, feeling for a presence, a familiar body wrapped within a cluster of birds... but found nothing. Exhaled and let go. Disappointed, but not surprised. </p><p>The extension of her chakra left her feeling hazy, and a thrumming headache took root in her skull. As if sensing her discomfort, the crow hopped across the length of her arm and settled on her shoulder, nuzzling her hair with its beak. </p><p>With a sad smile, she murmured, “Keep an eye out for my son, would you?” </p><p>It couldn’t oblige her. She’d never learned to give the crows actual commands, finding the process somewhat invasive, but she still spoke to them anyway and liked to believe they knew what she was saying. </p><p>After one final head scratch, she gently nudged the bird from her shoulder and watched it take flight into the orange-tinted sky. Then Mikoto left the balcony and returned to the kitchen of Sasuke’s apartment through the sliding glass door. </p><p>The oyakodon was almost ready-- she was only waiting for the rice to steam at this point. Sasuke was setting the table and arranging the extra chairs around it. It was going to be slightly cramped, with five people sitting around the tiny excuse for a dinner table that Sasuke’s apartment had, which Mikoto had failed to consider before inviting everyone over. </p><p>In their Uchiha clan household, presentation for guests was extremely important and she had often agonized over keeping the dining area completely spotless and made up as perfectly as a clan head’s home should be. If the circumstances were normal, she would have taken several extra hours to get everything in perfect order, ensuring that their good image would be maintained. Now, though, there was obviously no need, and the taste of her previous normality didn’t allure her. She’d already spent time cleaning earlier anyway. </p><p>“Sasuke?” she called. </p><p>From the dining area, Sasuke turned his head, stood up, and came immediately into the room to answer her summons. “Hm?” </p><p>“Would you like to taste this?” </p><p>When he approached, Mikoto offered him a small spoonful of broth from the cooling pan. He sipped it, then bobbed his head in affirmation that it tasted good. </p><p>After washing off the spoon in the sink, Mikoto turned to see what her son had done in the dining room.</p><p>“Does it look okay?” he asked somewhat awkwardly, as though he wasn’t used to seeking another person’s opinion.</p><p>“It looks perfect.” With a small laugh, she added, “It’s as good as we’re going to get with this space, anyway.” </p><p>Sasuke nodded in agreement. “I don’t think my-- teammates will mind.”</p><p>Mikoto raised her eyebrows. “What was that hesitation for? Could it be that you were about to call them your friends?” </p><p>“No, I wasn’t, I just--” Sasuke turned away defensively as Mikoto nudged him with her elbow.</p><p>“I’m only teasing.” Her son was still the same in that regard, it seemed. He was always hesitant to admit when he cared, and didn’t tend to give anyone the title of ‘friend’, even as a young child. </p><p>But a tiny smile came to his face as he turned.</p><p>“They’ll be here soon,” Mikoto said. “Could you help me put the bowls together?”</p><p>Sasuke silently complied, assisting her in spooning the rice into bowls and pouring the chicken and egg broth over each of them. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>As Sasuke had anticipated, Naruto was the first to arrive, ever eager for a meal he didn't have to pay for. Sakura showed up shortly thereafter, and even brought a small plate of pastries she had baked as a thank-you. Sasuke decided not to tell her that neither he nor his mother were a fan of sweets.</p><p>Kakashi was late, of course, but by now Team Seven was used to getting started without him. Sasuke told his mother they might as well begin eating, despite her hesitation ("<em>Shouldn't we wait? It's more polite to wait--" </em>), and all three kids shook their heads and warned her of how little Kakashi-Sensei valued their time. </p><p>With that, the four of them began eating their food.</p><p>Sasuke just stared down at his bowl for a while. A small twinge of nostalgia worked away at the back of his skull, as somewhere in the depths of his memory emerged the reminder that his family used to say a prayer before they ate. He'd never given it since he’d been living on his own, so he wasn't sure why he suddenly felt like he should. </p><p>At the sounds of his friends laughing, his mother's voice asking them questions and smiling at their responses, he allowed the thoughts to wash away. </p><p>He was here. This was the present. He was with his mom and his two teammates-- people he trusted. People he had bonds with -- whether he liked it or not, in some cases. </p><p>He was home. </p><p>Sasuke took a spoonful of oyakodon and the warm rice was unexpectedly soothing. It was unusual to find himself enjoying food, as he’d gotten used to just focusing on the necessity of it, and it struck him with the reminder that everything tasted better when it was made by his mother (or rather, everything tasted better when it was made by someone who loved him, which was also a long-forgotten experience for Sasuke). He wondered briefly if Naruto felt a glimmer of the same way.</p><p>The boy in question was speaking in a less-than-acceptable volume, and Sakura was trying to get him to quiet down as he rattled off about his latest prank war with Konohamaru. Sasuke briefly tuned in when his mother gave a laugh, and he attempted to catch her eye as if to share annoyance. </p><p>"Can I have seconds?" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, slamming his wooden bowl down on the table in his excitement. Sakura mumbled something scolding about not being rude but Mikoto just smiled and nodded, took his bowl from him and said, "Of course, honey." </p><p>Naruto snickered with giddy happiness, and Sasuke couldn't be annoyed at it this time because he completely understood how he felt.</p><p>As Mikoto retreated into the kitchen, Sakura turned to Sasuke with a sincere look and said, "Your mom is <em> so </em>nice."</p><p>“Yeah, she is,” Naruto agreed, then added, “you must be real happy to have her back, huh, Sasuke?”</p><p>Sasuke didn't know how to verbally respond to that, so he just nodded, and had to fight to repress the smile that wanted to come to his face. </p><p>Naruto continued. “Man, when you told us what that scroll said, I thought it was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. But to think it was really real, and look what it got you.”</p><p>Sakura made a noise of agreement, humming around the food in her mouth. </p><p>Mikoto came back into the dining room with Naruto's bowl refilled, and he happily took it from her, chirping, "Thanks, Auntie Mikoto!" A flash of jealousy went through Sasuke upon hearing Naruto refer to her so affectionately, and he decided not to acknowledge the fact that he was embarrassingly possessive of his mother. </p><p>Then a knock sounded at the front door, and all three genin heads turned to look at the source of the noise. </p><p>"I'll bet that's him," Sakura said, "horribly late, of course, but what's new?" </p><p>Mikoto stood to get the door and to no one’s surprise, there was Kakashi in all of his nonchalant glory. </p><p>The good thing: he wasn't wearing his jounin uniform to dinner, thank Naka. </p><p>The bad thing: he was wearing the lamest casual clothes Sasuke had ever seen, which was, in fact, worse. </p><p>Sasuke didn't want his mother to get the idea that his sensei was a lazy slacker that couldn’t train them properly, but that was exactly the image Kakashi was giving off. Sasuke just pointedly glared at him from across the room. </p><p>“Hello, Mikoto,” Kakashi said with a cheerful wave as he removed his sandals. “It smells lovely in here.” </p><p>“Thank you,” Mikoto responded, directing him to the kitchen table. “It’ll get cold soon, so hurry and sit down.”</p><p>As Kakashi moved to do so, he took notice of Sasuke’s less than pleasant expression. “What’s that look for?” he asked, raising his eyebrow.</p><p>Sasuke scowled harder. “Really, Kakashi? It’s one thing to not respect our time, but my mother’s?” </p><p>“You’re right, I’m sorry, Mikoto.” </p><p>“Oh, it’s really fine,” she assured them.</p><p>“No, it’s really not,” Sakura chimed in, “you shouldn’t let him disrespect you like that, Mikoto-san.” </p><p>“Now, now, you guys, I didn’t mean anything by it…” Kakashi raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I really am sorry, Mikoto.” Sakura just shook her head at him.</p><p>After another assurance from Mikoto that it was, indeed, fine, Kakashi finally sat down at the table with a hefty sigh and removed the black gloves he was wearing. Mikoto retrieved a bowl from the kitchen for him and he thanked her upon receiving it. </p><p>Sasuke watched as his sensei carefully began to eat, trying to read him. Kakashi made no expression after the first couple bites (sliding them into his mask in tactfully small amounts, to Sasuke’s disappointment), and on the third, he hummed and remarked, “It’s wonderful.” </p><p>Mikoto smiled at him and accepted the praise humbly. </p><p>Sakura soon finished up her bowl and also asked for seconds, and Naruto asked for thirds. Mikoto filled up their bowls for them each time, and Sasuke found himself thinking <em> they should at least offer to get it themselves, so she doesn’t have to do everything.  </em></p><p>After she came back from the kitchen a second time, she paused near Sasuke, looking over his shoulder. “You don’t like it?” she asked.</p><p>It was only then that Sasuke realized he had been so busy paying attention to his teammates’ reactions that he had completely forgotten to eat his own food, aside from a few bites. “No,” he said in a rush, “I do like it-- it’s good, thank you.” </p><p>It was unclear whether or not his mother believed him, but she offered a smile and lightly touched his head anyway. Sasuke then tried to focus back on his food-- though it proved to be difficult, as he couldn’t ignore the fact that now Naruto was staring directly at him.</p><p>Sasuke scowled and retorted, “What are you staring at, loser?” </p><p>Mikoto flashed a sudden searing look at him. “<em>Sasuke, </em>be nice.” </p><p>At that, Naruto clapped a hand over his mouth, trying not to spray food everywhere with the laugh that bubbled up, nearly choking. Sakura’s eyes widened and she looked down, trying to hide her own amusement at witnessing Sasuke get scolded. </p><p>Sasuke’s face heated and he shrunk slightly under his mother’s gaze. The retort at Naruto had been on instinct, he didn’t even pause to consider the consequences before he said it. Now it was sinking in that he really shouldn’t be mean in front of his mother. “I’m sorry, Mom.” </p><p>“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to your friend,” Mikoto said. </p><p>Naruto nearly exploded in laughter again. This time, he made an effort to swallow his food first, then looked at Sasuke with a wicked grin on his face. </p><p>“You heard her, Sasuke,” Kakashi said, clearly enjoying the situation. </p><p>Sasuke gritted his teeth and hated the obvious embarrassment prickling on his cheeks. With a horrifying amount of difficulty, he managed to string together the words, “Sorry, Naruto.”</p><p>Still looking stupidly smug, Naruto said, “What was that, Sasuke? I didn’t hear you.”</p><p>“I said <em> I’m sorry, </em>you--” Sasuke bit his tongue to prevent from spouting another insult, and sighed harshly instead.</p><p>Everyone was laughing at him now. Under any other circumstances, that would have pissed him off more, but now it just… didn’t. His mom gave him a good-natured smile and he couldn’t stay disgruntled much longer after that, so he just let his team laugh, and tried not to laugh himself. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Mikoto fit easily back into the ‘perfect mother, perfect wife’ role she was used to inhabiting in her clan. </p><p>When she and her husband had first assumed the position of clan head, she had hated that this was the expectation on her now, but over time she had become more or less indifferent. She was a shinobi, an Uchiha clan head, and it was just one of her duties. She mastered it like any other skill.</p><p>So this was to say she was very, very good at pretending to be happy when she wasn’t. </p><p>It was deeply wrong to be making a family meal like this but without her family. This smell of cooking food, the sound of clinking dishes, the entire atmosphere told her she should be walking into the dining room to find her husband and two sons, sharing a meal together like always. </p><p>To curb the difficulty, she found excuses to be in the kitchen, refilling her guest's bowls or getting a headstart on washing the dishes. Sighing, she positioned a pot underneath the sink faucet and filled it with soapy water to let it soak. </p><p>Moments later, footsteps approached behind her. Mikoto turned to find Kakashi coming into the kitchen, holding his empty bowl and chopsticks in one hand. </p><p>"Hi, Mikoto," he said, in an overly casual tone. </p><p>"Hi, Kakashi," she reflected.</p><p>He paused at the counter, watching the pot fill up with water for a few seconds too long. Eventually, he cleared his throat to speak. "I was just going to let you know," he began, "that they have me assigned to watch out for you." </p><p>“‘Watch out for me,’” Mikoto said. "You mean 'watch me', right? You're meant to spy on me?"</p><p>Kakashi raised his hands. "Not spying. Just keeping an eye on you. Out of friendly regard for your health and safety." </p><p>"We're friends now, are we?"</p><p>"I'd like to think we are." </p><p>Mikoto sighed, shutting off the tap. As soon as she did, Kakashi turned it towards him and flicked it back on to run his bowl under it. “You have a lot to handle, Mikoto. I understand if you’re struggling. I figure you could use some support-- at least someone around that you can trust.” </p><p>That was technically true. Mikoto had to concede, it was nice to have another adult to talk to. </p><p>Kakashi had the sharingan too, which was something that had sparked a lot of controversy in both the village and the Uchiha clan when it first came to light. Mikoto remembered weighing in on this specific issue in his favor-- since it was Uchiha Obito’s dying wish, as well as a bad time to create new conflict, directly following the close of the Third Shinobi War. Mikoto knew Kakashi had also worked closely with Minato and Kushina, so, really, of all jounin in the village, she should be grateful to have him to confide in. But it was the fact that he was <em> assigned </em>to her that made her skin crawl with distrust. Part of her wished he’d show at least some loyalty to the Uchiha clan over the village, being entrusted with such a significant piece of them.</p><p>They cleaned their respective dishes together in silence for a few moments. Then Kakashi said: “I handed over the scroll.”</p><p>A wave of anger caught Mikoto off guard. She stopped what she was doing, gripping the edge of the sink. </p><p>She knew there were no objective reasons for Kakashi to not do this, nor were her own reasons completely rational, but she couldn’t shake her distaste for providing the village higher-ups with what they wanted. </p><p>“They’re reviewing it tonight. I expect they’ll call you and Sasuke in for tests sometime tomorrow morning.” </p><p>Mikoto let out a breath and nodded, resuming the dishes with controlled calm. “Good to know.” </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>After dinner, the others stayed and talked for a little while, and Sakura opened up her plate of pastries for the others to eat. Mikoto grabbed one even though she didn’t enjoy sweets, wanting Sakura to feel accepted.</p><p>She glanced at Sasuke every now and then, noting his facial expressions and body language to make sure he was comfortable. He would occasionally engage lightly with the others and responded to prompting. Not quite enthusiastic, but he didn’t seem to be distressed or bored, which was good. </p><p>Eventually, once the sun had fully set, Sasuke’s team members prepared to leave. Kakashi thanked them again at the doorway, causing Naruto and Sakura to chorus thank-yous of their own, and Mikoto smiled and laughed and thanked them for coming. Sasuke lingered somewhat behind her and waved as they left. </p><p>Then Sasuke and Mikoto retreated to the kitchen. They talked as they did the rest of the dishes together. Sasuke was smiling and even broke into laughter a few times, and with her state, Mikoto thought it was the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard. At one point, he joked about something, and Mikoto set down the bowl she was scrubbing and pulled him in with soapy hands to kiss his forehead. That just made him laugh more, and he squirmed out of her slippery grasp, wiping the suds from his cheeks. </p><p>Sasuke went to bed smiling, and Mikoto went to bed barely holding her fraying pieces together. </p><p>The apartment only had one bedroom, so they had laid out the extra futon in Sasuke’s room for her to sleep on, both for practical reasons and because it was comforting for both of them to be aware of the other. Mikoto only felt like she wasn’t on the edge of drowning when Sasuke was near her-- she needed the constant reminder of why she had to stay stable. </p><p>He fell asleep quickly. The sound of his faint snoring filled the room as Mikoto lied awake, observing the way the moonlight fell through the window over his bare-bones furnishings. It caught the photo of Sasuke’s team, producing a sharp white reflection on the glass. </p><p>Unable to sleep, Mikoto got up from her bed and walked to the window, pulling the curtains wider to look outside. The moon was high, it was a cloudless night, so she could see a good amount of the village from here. </p><p>There were a few new buildings, many of the same she was used to seeing, some with slight noticeable changes. Switching on her sharingan, she read the chakra of the people within range-- most of them at peace, sleeping, relaxing, getting ready for bed-- while a few were restless or working, preparing for a night mission or doing paperwork. </p><p>Everything felt so wrong.</p><p>Even Sasuke, who was her only light in this situation, was wrong. She still wanted to think of him as the seven-year old she was familiar with. But that boy was gone, along with Itachi, along with Fugaku, and the rest of her clan. </p><p>Mikoto let out a long, slow breath. She lowered her head, pinched the bridge of her nose, and tried to stay calm. </p><p>For a few moments, she swayed slightly, simulating a grounding movement, since she couldn't pace for worry of waking Sasuke up. </p><p>She glanced back at him. The covers were draped over his curled-up body and he looked smaller than he was. If she tried, really tried, she could imagine he was still the little boy she knew. </p><p>Swallowing down the feelings of wrongness, she approached him very quietly, leaned down and brushed a strand of hair from his cheek. He seemed to be sleeping soundly. That was good.</p><p>Mikoto quietly left the room. She had to walk carefully, as the floorboards in Sasuke's apartment tended to squeak-- it wasn't a very high-quality building. She clenched her fists in frustration, walking past the sparse furniture, bare walls and rough carpet of the living area. </p><p>Life was more surreal at night. This was truer now than it had ever been, as she flexed her fingers, curled her toes into the carpet, feeling the wrongness in every cell of her body. The solid, irrefutable fact that she wasn't supposed to be here, in this flesh, in this house. </p><p>She didn't have any memories after Itachi killed her. After the life left her body. Just blankness. She could, to a certain extent, feel that time had passed, but there was nothing to fill it up. No images, colors, sounds. Nothing. </p><p>Wasn't there supposed to be some kind of afterlife? That's what her parents raised her to believe. She remembered her mother and father, her two sisters, dressed up in stiff formal clothes to attend ceremonies at the Naka shrine every month. She remembered her father's gloves, her mother's sweet singing voice. The way her younger sister always got told off for running in the building, how she and her older sister would get blamed for it, how Rei started making excuses not to come.</p><p>For an Uchiha clan head, Mikoto probably wasn't as religious as she should have been. But she'd never really felt drawn to the shrine the way other members of her clan had, the way her parents claimed to be. She just felt indifferent. </p><p>Craving the comfort of cold air on her skin, Mikoto opened up the doors and stepped out onto the balcony. She shut the door tentatively behind her, then walked to the railing, placing her palms on the cool metal.</p><p>A light breeze buffeted her face and hair. She breathed in the scent of the village, absorbed the quietness of it. </p><p>It didn't resonate as her home. </p><p>Her home wasn't the village in general, not really. She had too much anger at it for that. Her home was and always would be solely the Uchiha clan. With her family, her clansmen, her comrades. That home was gone-- or mostly gone, at least. </p><p>She still had Sasuke.</p><p>Mikoto closed her eyes.</p><p>She took a moment to thank Naka-- or whoever else might be out there, watching over her, depriving her of an afterlife-- for allowing her to be here with him. In this new version of her world, everyone that ever meant something to her was gone, except for her two sons-- one of them here and tangible, the other one out of reach, a concept.  Mikoto clung with both hands to the belief that Itachi was out there somewhere. </p><p>And she'd find him.</p><p>How, she didn't know yet. But she would.</p><p>It was nice to have the sting of the night air, to remind her that she was alive, inhabiting a body. But soon the chill began to sink into her flesh, making the hair on her arms stand on end underneath her nightshirt, so she relented and went back inside. </p><p>She looked through the bag of clothes Kakashi had brought and pulled out a sweater, wriggled into it, and tied her hair up in a ponytail so it would be out of her face. Then she went back outside and leapt over the railing. </p><p>Mikoto landed with hardly a tap on the rooftop below, then leapt down to another nearby building. She continued in this fashion, leaping from building to building, always on the shadowed sides, under awnings and between alleyways to remain stealthy. Her three years of ANBU training weren't lost on her yet. The wind whistled around her, adrenaline pumped through her body and she savored the evidence that she was alive. It was a feeling reminiscent of her earlier years as a shinobi, relishing the blissful freedom that came from leaping through the trees on a mission. This was until she reached the outskirts of the Uchiha compound.</p><p>There was a wall of wooden planks over the front entrance, marked with mottled caution tape. The roughness, the finality of it, made Mikoto's stomach turn with revulsion.</p><p>After a few moments gazing at it, heart pounding with the anticipation of what she was about to see, she leapt over the top of the stone arch and dropped down onto the cobbled main path. </p><p>The trees on the sides of the path were still strong, the only constant in the area. Everything else was fraught with the wear of neglect. The grass was overrun, sprouting up between the cracks in the path, creeping out, spreading like a disease. Moss covered the stones, something that the Uchiha had always ensured to clean off when it grew, and the entrance pond was stagnant and murky, the stream of water that usually trickled into it long since dried up.</p><p>And then there were the buildings in front of her.</p><p>Stark-gray, drained of life like corpses. </p><p>Completely and utterly desolate.</p><p>She willed herself to walk forward, legs shaking, breath unsteady. The feeling was so overwhelmingly foreign, so dark and unreal, Mikoto had to fight back sickness. Every step she took felt more mechanical. Her bones tingled. The cold bit her cheeks, smothered her.</p><p>A crackle of bushes. Mikoto's head snapped to the side, and a couple of large rats darted out behind a cluster of overgrown foliage, skittering across the path in front of her and disappearing out of sight into a lineup of vacant shop stands.</p><p>The merchant buildings were empty, shop windows darkened, stands overturned. The tones of gray and blue and purple that coincided with the clan now looked cold, mourning, rather than strong and significant. She passed the fruit market her aunt and uncle had run. The flower shop of an academy classmate of hers. A woodcarving workshop owned by an old man they used to joke was invincible, as he’d been an old man since Mikoto’s youth but he never seemed to slow down as the years wore away at him. The distant familiarity stung her, alongside the knowledge that all of those people were long dead.</p><p>The further she walked, the closer she came to the residential area-- the closer she came to home.</p><p>She’d walked this path countless times before, her footsteps were among the many that wore it down, but it didn't feel welcoming now. It felt like a death sentence, a nightmare. </p><p>Mikoto hardly noticed her breath speeding up, becoming ragged. She fought to keep her sharingan off, knowing that if she activated it, the emptiness around her would only be proven. Not a life around beyond the scavengers like those rats, helping themselves to the remnants. </p><p>What was worse, everywhere she looked, she could see the bloodstains.</p><p>Scrubbed off futility, the dark splashes were unmistakable-- a faded rust color painting stone tiles beneath her feet and storefront walls, back alleys. She could almost see it. The slaughter, her son carrying it out.</p><p>Mikoto walked and walked and walked and walked.</p><p>Passing a house, another sound caught her ears, and she turned to find a bony black cat slinking out from underneath a cobweb-filled porch. </p><p>She felt compelled, in the back of her hazy mind, to do something for it-- help it somehow-- but her brain didn't will her body to move.</p><p>She let the cat pass, padding across the tiles in a loping hurry, attempting to get away from her but too sickly to run.</p><p>Mikoto continued walking.</p><p>And walking.</p><p>And walking.</p><p>Until she reached her house.</p><p>At the very center of the residential district, the Uchiha clan heads' family home. She let her eyes scan the porch, the front entrance, the awning, the roof, the walls, the way the moonlight played on all of it. The stillness. The smell.</p><p>It smelled, very distinctly, of dust. It smelled abandoned. Dead.</p><p>Mikoto walked up the porch steps. </p><p>She reached out, placed her hand around the doorknob.</p><p>And then her fingers froze.</p><p>And in her head she saw the floor, she saw her husband in the corner of her eye, beside her, felt Itachi’s presence behind them.</p><p>Everything in her body tensed up like a malfunctioning machine-- unable to bend any of her joints, move a single muscle in her half-living body. </p><p>After standing there for what felt like hours, just seconds stretching into the next stretching into minutes, Mikoto lost all sense of time and jerked herself back from the threshold of her house. She stumbled backwards, so far that she nearly tripped over the edge of the porch, but caught herself before she could fall back over the steps. </p><p>Breathing heavily, she looked for a place to go. A place to hide, as she suddenly was consumed with the realization that she did <em>not </em>want to be there anymore. </p><p>Anxiety whirled in her head, panic, and she leaned down and put her hands on her knees, then sank fully to the wooden boards as she fought to catch her breath. Gasping, like her lungs weren't big enough, like her body was shrinking. </p><p>She clutched at her chest, wrenched the sweater's fabric in her fist. She pressed her fingers into her skin, the small curve of bone underneath her throat, and pitched forward to stare at the cracks in the boards. </p><p>With the world spiraling around her, she focused on the pressure in her hands, against her neck, and she calmed herself down. </p><p>Dizziness made her head fuzzy. She fought back nausea. Shut her eyes against the static filling her brain.</p><p>And then, before she could even realize or control it, Mikoto began to sob. </p><p>And then she was crying on her family home's porch. Weeping into her hands, breathing like there was glass in her throat, fighting for it the way she'd always had to fight in this awful rot-space of a village. The way everything felt like a fight now that she was back, stolen from the comfort of death. Everything <em> hurt</em>. Everything fucking hurt.</p><p>She didn't know how long she cried for, just that she was even more dizzy afterwards. She stayed there on the boards after her eyes went dry and waited for the lightheadedness to fade, and only then did she activate her sharingan.</p><p>Mikoto looked around, at the absence of human life. Noted the pinpricks of warm energy from small rodents, felines, birds and insects that were close enough, but nothing familiar, nothing comfortable. </p><p>The emptiness, the barrenness of it. The compound was deprived of everything that gave it its name, made it function, like her. </p><p>Mikoto scooted herself to the porch's edge, setting her feet onto the lower step, and sat there, taking slow, calming breaths. She clutched her hands together and ignored her shivering. </p><p>And she stayed like that, again, for another spanse of time that she couldn't quantify. She just breathed, squeezed her fingers, and made herself acutely aware of the shinobi watching her from a distance. </p><p>ANBU Black Ops. </p><p>Two in the northside tower, hidden under the roof's awning. Two positioned in trees to the left and right of her.</p><p>Mikoto knew the way they worked-- she was one of them, didn't they know that? Feeling horribly apathetic, she stood up, wiped her nose and shunshined back to the balcony of Sasuke's apartment, no longer desiring to walk. </p>
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